Joyful Toddlers!

Joyful Toddlers Has Moved!

2011-11-20T15:53:00.001-07:00

I've written a post on what it means to have high expectations for young kids, and posted it on the new Joyful Toddlers website! This post, and all future Joyful Toddlers blog posts, will be found on the new site: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Please change any bookmarks or links that you might have.
Thanks!
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers Is Moving!

2011-11-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

I'm excited to announce that Joyful Toddlers is moving to a new spot on the internet! Change your links and your bookmarks, because from now on my posts will be integrated into the new Joyful Toddlers website, http://joyfultoddlers.com/.

Many thanks to Beverly Mau of MAU Web Studio for helping me design this fabulous website. As of today (Nov 16) the website is still under construction, but I'm so excited to consolidate everything that I'm going ahead and transferring the blog content over. Thank you all for your patience as we work out any kinks. If you have any suggestions for the new website, don't hesitate to tell me at faith@joyfultoddlers.com.

Very Warmly,
Miss Faith

PS Enrollments are starting to come in for the Tele-Class that starts on January 22, 2012, Joyful Days with Toddlers and Preschoolers! If you're thinking about taking the class, please let me know!

Young Kids and Chores

2011-11-12T09:51:00.005-07:00

Dear Miss Faith,

Can you talk a little bit more about responsibilities/expectations/chores for 2-3 year olds? How do you go about incorporating young kids into household tasks, self-care, etc? What can you reasonably expect at different ages? When do you institute mandatory chores?

-E.N.

Dear E.,

These are great questions! As you know if you’ve read just about anything I’ve written, I’m a huge proponent of incorporating kids of all ages into household tasks. First I’ll talk about why I think it’s so great to do, and then I’ll talk about age-appropriate expectations.

Why Household Tasks are Great for Kids

The reason that I’m such a fan is threefold: first, when you slow down a household activity enough to incorporate a toddler into it, doing that task together can be a wonderful way to connect with your child. The two of you are doing it together. Second, doing household tasks are a wonderful way for children to practice skills and gain competence in many different areas: fine motor skills through folding wash-cloths; gross motor skills by putting dishes onto their shelf or sweeping the floor or washing the windows; sensory integration by washing the dishes or kneading dough. And by inviting a child into a task that you do from beginning to end, you are teaching him how to go about tasks: about follow-through, about attitude. Thirdly (and this is how doing household tasks together are different from doing arts-and-crafts projects), incorporating children into household tasks allows them to contribute to the household, and to help the person they love the most: you! That is really fulfilling for children. Although doing tasks with young children takes MUCH longer than doing it by yourself, making space for your child to be able to contribute to tasks that really need to be done sets the stage for them to be able to contribute in ever-greater ways in the future.

What to Expect At Different Ages

So, what are young kids capable of at different ages? When should it go from being something that you lure them into, to something that is simply expected? My experience is that adults tend to underestimate what one- and two-year-olds can do, and overestimate what three- and four-year-olds can do. What do I mean by that? Well, with the littler ones, we often simply don’t create the space or even have an idea of what a little one can do. Their skills are growing so quickly at this age, that we often treat them as an infant when they are in fact capable of much more. As young as 18 months, a young child can take her bowl from the table, scrape her food into a compost-tub, and put her bowl and spoon into a wash-tub. I had a class of 8 one- and two-year olds, and they all did this after every meal! When a child first came to me, I would stand behind him and help him reach out his hand to get his bowl. Then I would point out the compost-tub, and walk over with him. Kneeling behind him, I’d put my hands around his to grasp the spoon and scrape out the food. Then I’d point out the wash-tub and he could put his bowl and spoon in by himself. After five or six times of literal ‘hands-on’ help like this, most kids became quite competent!
Now, don’t get the wrong idea: some children require lots more than six times of ‘hands-on’ help, and all of the kids needed help sometimes, even those big almost-three-year-olds who had been doing it twice a day for almost two years. The fact that we ALWAYS did it after EVERY meal was a help, and the fact that everyone else was doing it, helped the new children learn quickly. We had a little song that we sang while we did it, which helped things go smoothly, and my assistant and I were always actively involved with the process.

So what can most two-year-olds do, if we teach them how and help them do it every time? They can help you make their bed. They can brush their own teeth while you brush yours. They can help set the table if we hand things to them and ask them to put them on the table. They can wash their own hands, if we are right there to help/talk them through it: push up their own sleeves, scrub with soap, rinse hands clean, turn off the water, and dry their hands on a towel. They can drink from an open cup and only spill sometimes. They can take their bowl from the table to the counter when they’re done. They can help wash the table with a cloth before/after a meal. They can help wash dishes if you don’t mind them getting wet. They can go potty with help from you. They can help fold laundry, put things away, unload the dishwasher, put forks, spoons and knives in the proper place in the silverware drawer as long as they can reach. What two-year-olds generally CAN’T do: many can take shoes or clothes off, but can’t yet put them on. Most can’t follow multi-part directions, unless they’re very simple and sequential (“please pick up your sock and put it in the drawer” usually gets the sock picked up, but they may need a reminder of the second part: “and now put it in the drawer. Thank you!”).

Three- and four-year-olds are much more competent in terms of what they are able to do. They are capable of doing many tasks, even fairly complex ones. However, adults frequently overestimate what child children of these ages can do. That’s because we assume that because a child is CAPABLE of doing something, they should be able to do it whenever we want them to. And that’s simply not the case. Just because your four-year-old is capable of putting on every item of clothing, doesn’t mean that you can simply ask him to get dressed and then go downstairs to fix breakfast while he does it. Chances are you’ll go upstairs ten minutes later to find his clothes still lying on the bed, while he’s playing with his fire-truck. In fact, even if you stay there with him and talk him through the process (“it’s time to get dressed and your clothes are on the bed. Where’s your shirt?”), he may well only be able to actually dress himself sometimes. Even though he’s CAPABLE of it, at this age he will only be ABLE to do it by himself sometimes. Some days those clothes zip right on, and some days you are doing almost every piece.
How competent children at this age are on a given day depends on how tired they are, how distracted they are, how distracted YOU are, and many other factors that we can only guess at. The trick at this age is to be fully present with them as they do a task, stepping in to keep them on track as much or as little as is needed, without getting mad that yesterday they did it just fine, and today they don’t seem capable of doing anything. That’s how things are at this age. The smoother and more consistent your support, the more and more frequently he’ll be able to do it on his own. If your support is inconsistent, so that he can go a long ways off-track before you direct him back to the task at hand, or your support is angry, or your support is rushed, then he will resist that "support," and he’ll want to do the things you ask of him less and less.

When to Implement “Chores”

I am not a fan of “chores” for children under the age of seven. In my mind, “chores” are things you have to do whether you feel like it or not, and there may be some sort of punishment if they don’t get done. I don’t feel like this is appropriate for young children. Remember, in having children help with household tasks, we are setting patterns and laying the groundwork for a lifetime of helping out around the house, of pitching in, of feeling proud that they are contributing. In this vein, there are two important points to help set yourself up for success: first, don’t expect children to be able to do tasks by themselves, and second, don’t get into power struggles over tasks.

Don’t expect children to be able to do tasks by themselves. With young children, household tasks should always be done together. Children want to be with us and connect with us; while they’re happy to forget about us when they are immersed in deep play, household tasks and self-care tasks are things that WE want them to do, and we want them done in a certain way. Therefore, they must be done together. Remember, children don’t have the skills yet to follow through on tasks consistently, even if they’re capable of doing each part. We are teaching them how to do these tasks, and supporting them as they learn the skill of following-through, which won’t be fully developed till much later.

Don’t get into a power struggle. Although I don’t have chores, I do have expectations about what children help with. For example, when I set out to chop some veggies, I’ll bring my chopping board, knife and bowl to the table, along with some kid-chopping boards and table knives. I’ll start chopping my veggies, singing a chopping-song. Usually one or two or three children will come over and want to help, but if nobody does, that’s fine. They can play while I chop. Likewise with washing the table before a meal, or sweeping the floor. I do these tasks slowly and mindfully, with room for children, and the children are welcome to help or not, as they choose. Other tasks, such as tidying up, are done all together and I will gently steer a child who is not participating back into the activity by giving her a toy and asking her to put it in its place. And finally there are some tasks, such as clearing your bowl from the table, are expected from each child at the end of every meal.

But what if a child refuses to take his bowl? What to do? Do I MAKE him do it? Or do I just not care? My answer to that is that it depends on why they're saying no. If a child is just saying “no” to try it out, I’ll say, “Oh, it looks like you need some help getting started,” and I’ll simply go over and help him pick up his bowl, then face him in the right direction. Just getting them in motion (through my own motions, NOT with words) is often enough to get him back on track. On the other hand, maybe he’s saying “no” to test boundaries. For example, perhaps you and your son set the table together every day, but one day your 3 ½ -year-old stands there defiantly and says, “No!” And then looks at you to see how you’ll respond. What do you do?
In general, the best way to meet defiance in young kids is to transform their emotion through humor or imagination, and then continue on with the task being defied, without talking about it. So here's a response that comes immediately to my mind, if I were in the situation described above. I'd look at that little boy with utter amazement. “What???? Did you say No????? Wait! Say it again and see what happens!” Then he says “No,” but not nearly as defiantly. He’s curious. I take a big breath and raise my arms up high above my head, then say, “Whooooossshhhhh!” and swoop him up and onto the couch. Then I tickle him and kiss him until he’s limp with laughter. (I've transformed the emotion away from defiance.) I sit up and make smiling eye contact with him, then take him by the hand to help him up off the couch. Still holding his hand we walk into the kitchen together. “Now, where are the plates?” I say. (I go back to the task, without talking about it.) Usually a child is happy to get back on track at this point. But if he’s not, he might say say “No, I don’t want to set the table.”
At this point the most important thing is not to get into a power struggle. The reason for this is that power struggles do little except give your child practice at saying no, and not doing what you say. Even if you make them do it, it’s not setting them up to want to do it again the NEXT time you ask; power struggles tend to beget more power struggles. So at this point, I’d look the child in the face, and try to get a sense of what’s going on. Depending on what I see, I might try to connect emotionally with him, in an imaginative way: I’ll make a sad face, and say, “I’ll be so lonely if I have to set the table all by myself. Boo hoo hooo! Boo hoo hooo!” and I’ll pretend to cry, looking through my fingers to see his response. But another time, I might look and see only obstinacy. In this case, instead of trying to play further, I’ll simply say, “I can see that you’re not ready to help me set the table today. That’s OK. Why don’t you sit on the couch and look at a book while I do it. I bet you’ll be ready to help me again tomorrow.” I’ll go and I’ll set the table by myself. And the next day, chances are pretty good that I’ll have my helper back.
This is the part that strikes many parents as strange. Am I not simply 'giving in?' Have I not just lost my authority? Am I not setting things up for them to be irresponsible for life? But I would answer, no. This technique, of verbally creating an image of your child being cooperative the next time, is a powerful tool. Children will live up (or down) to our expectations most of the time. Often times, when we are trying to force a child to do something, we think we are stating expectations for them to do it. What our actions and attitude are ACTUALLY saying, however, is that we expect them NOT to do it, which is why we have to force them. So, by listening to their desires and letting them off this one day, but saying, "I bet you'll be ready to help again tomorrow," this creates a powerful image that children can live up to.
However, just creating the image is not enough. If a child is refusing to help and can't be jollied into it, there's something else that must also be done the next time that task comes up. It's to go back to why doing household tasks together is useful: if your child is not inspired to contribute, and is not inspired to do it to build competency, then you must go back to the foundation: connecting. When the next day comes, take whatever your child didn't want to do the day before, and make it as enjoyable, as fun, as connecting as you can. When the connecting part is in place, the other pieces will fall back into place, too.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check us out at our new location, http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Fall Celebrations: Martinmas

2011-11-08T09:10:00.005-07:00

Joyful Toddlers has moved! You can find this post at its new location, http://joyfultoddlers.com/2011/11/fall-celebrations-martinmas/

Next TeleClass to Begin January 22nd!

2011-10-27T20:23:00.006-06:00

Joyful Toddlers has moved! You can find this post at its new location, http://joyfultoddlers.com/2011/10/next-teleclass-to-begin-january-22nd/

Toddler/Infant Sibling Interactions

2011-10-24T18:44:00.004-06:00

My daughter is two and my son is almost one month old. My daughter is madly in love with her baby brother and wants to hold and carry him. I help her hold him while sitting down, but am having a tough time redirecting when she tries to pick him up or take him out of my arms and pulls on him. I find myself saying no while playing tug o war with my infant- not effective parenting :( Really, I'm looking for advice on those situations when the toddler puts herself or others in harm’s way. Another similar example is that when she plays with her friends, she will hug and not let go until the friend cries or falls over.

Dear Erin,

It always feels like such a shame when we see a child go in with good intentions, only to have things end poorly. I have had several children in my care whose instincts for affection seem to be to grab and not let go. The good news is that their hearts are in the right place. The bad news is that it’s a hard habit to break! I’ll answer the sibling part of your comment today, and address the friend-hugging another day.

Toddler/Infant Sibling Interactions

I’ve noticed that two-year-olds with infant siblings do best when they get lots of help with EVERY physical interaction, until they have strong habits in place. The best way to establish these habits is to have very firm ‘rules’ about how it’s OK to touch the baby: she can hold him sitting down while you help, or she can touch him with one finger. I’m a huge fan of one-finger-touching for 1- and 2-year-olds. It is useful for ANYTHING they might want to grab, that could be hurt or ruined: flowers, computers, your earrings, your baby son. So, first introduce these rules. She already knows about you helping her hold him when she’s sitting down, so introduce the one-finger rule. “You can touch your brother with your one finger. This is how we do it. That’s right! You’re doing it too! You can always touch him with your one finger.” Then, for the next several weeks, EVERY time you see her going to touch him, jump to her side and help her touch him with her one finger. Whenever she tries to touch in another way, lovingly show her how she CAN touch him. (If she is able to kiss him without grabbing, kissing on the cheek or arm is OK too. If she can’t resist grabbing when she kisses, teach her to blow kisses to him to show her love and affection.) After a few weeks of physically helping her touch with one finger every time, you will start to be able to remind her verbally from a little distance away. Soon she’ll do it by herself, looking right at you. “That’s right! You know how to touch your little brother!” Even once she does that, she may still need help when she’s tired or excited.

She may also occasionally try to touch him in another way, looking over at you to see if it’s OK. For now, go ahead and remind her how she CAN touch him—with one finger. Once her habits of touching him really gently are firmly in place, you can start to expand from there. Acknowledge that you’re changing the rules. “Now that you know how to touch him so gently, you can touch him with your whole hand. You can stroke his arm, like this. Yes!” Expand the acceptable ways of touching very slowly, and start helping her notice if he’s liking her touch or not liking her touch. “Look, he’s pulling away. He’s saying, ‘that’s too rough!’” or, “Even though you’re touching him gently, he’s saying ‘Not right now.’” And help her touch him in a way that he likes, or if he’s not liking anything, to pull away and blow him a kiss instead.

This technique is very energy-intensive for several weeks or even a few months. But it’s totally worth it, because you’re laying the foundation for positive sibling interactions for the rest of their lives. Siblings who notice what the other one wants (or doesn’t want), and respond respectfully to those cues, have positive relationships with one another. This noticing and responding respectfully is the key to bypassing the bossy/bullying/playing-the-victim/picking-on-each-other-till-they-explode cycle that can mar many sibling relationships. So start laying the groundwork now!

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Help Getting to Sleep

2011-10-17T12:58:00.002-06:00

Hello,

My question is about my 20 month old and sleep. My daughter usually takes several hours to get to sleep no matter what. I really feel she doesn't get enough sleep, and she is often exhausted but cannot seem to stop wiggling. She has always had a great deal of trouble sleeping, she is very active, smart, and has been overly alert since birth. She is quite sensitive to noise etc. but fine otherwise. I keep her routine as predictable as I can...esp around sleep times...and I make sure she plays outside for a while each day, but it seems she needs to much more to get to sleep. I am exhausted and a bit worried because we have a new baby coming soon.

ANY suggestions are appreciated. We have and continue to explore food allergies, sensory issues (i believe that is a contributing factor), we have a homeopath, have seen crainiosacral therapists etc. etc.

-Laura

Hi Laura,

Oh my gosh, what a challenge for you guys. It sounds like you're doing a lot of the things I would suggest, and how frustrating that none of it seems to work consistently.

I am currently reading a book that I am LOVING, and might be just what you need. It is called "Sleepless in America: Practical Strategies to Help Your Family Get the Sleep it Deserves," by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I'm only about half way through, but so far I've agreed with just about everything that she's said. She talks about how when children are sleep-deprived, their bodies emit stress hormones, which make it much harder to get to sleep. She talks about teaching children how to relax their bodies, and she gives lots of tips on how to minimize stress levels throughout the day, and how to approach bedtime. She's not a cry-it-out proponent. Her book is not focused on toddlers specifically, but she does address the issue of children who have always been jumpy and had trouble sleeping.

Setting the Mood

From my personal experience, the thing that I've found that makes the most difference is the lead-up to bedtime. I dim the lights, pull the curtains, and start talking in a very soft voice, walking very softly, helping the children 'wind-down.' I actually don't tell or read a story, because I find them to be more stimulating than calming for many kids. I make the sleep-room VERY dark, and have the lights already out when we tiptoe in and slip into bed. I start by rubbing backs as I sing a lullaby (I sing the same one over and over, gradually getting slower and softer, till I'm humming, then I finally drop silent. I lie down on the floor next to the children, and I doze off. They can almost never resist that.

Help Their Fingers

For children who have trouble falling asleep, I have a few tricks that have worked. One is that I've noticed that lots children keep themselves awake through their fingers. Their fingers wander around, touching and exploring, poking themselves in the face, etc. With those children, I'll often have them lie with both hands on their stomach, and I'll put my hand(s) over theirs, and say, "Now it's time for your hands to go to sleep. They can lie there quietly and listen to me sing." Sometimes I'll even take each of her hands and surround it with one of mine, to help them sleep.

Wrap Them Up

Another thing I've tried which has worked like magic with some kids, and not so well with others, is to wrap them up fairly tight (like swaddling). It can help them with wiggling, and makes them feel secure, but largely I think it helps them keep those little fingers still, without me having to do it for them. To set the stage for this, start telling a story about a caterpillar who was so sleepy, and how he wrapped himself in a cocoon blanket, and when he woke, he had transformed into a beautiful butterfly. Tell it for a few days, then one day say, "I know! You can be like that caterpillar, and turn into a butterfly, too!" Then get a blanket that's about the size of a large couch-throw, and with her arms at her side, wrap her fairly tightly in this special cocoon blanket Lie her down on the bed and rub her head or her body (not both; see which works better for her) while you sing to her. When she wakes up, comment on how she has become like butterfly! I know one LifeWays care provider who does this with all of the children in her program, and she says that it has changed the entire naptime experience.

Absorb Busy Energy

The third thing I do is to absorb 'busy' energy, and emit 'sleepy' energy. I start doing this when I dim the lights while we're getting ready, and then I have a specific technique when they're falling asleep. I find this to be very effective, because I don't get so annoyed when the kids are doing something (like not going to sleep). I've found that kids have a VERY hard time falling asleep when I'm annoyed at them; I guess it makes sense that it's hard for a child to relax when there's somebody tense next to her. Anyhow, the way I do it when they're falling asleep is by rubbing the child's back. I start out rubbing quite firmly, and imagine all of her 'busy' energy flowing out of her body up into my arm. I imagine that I'm doing the moving FOR her, so she doesn't have to wiggle around herself. All of that wiggly energy that's trapped inside her can flow into my hand and up my arm. As I feel her busy energy emptying out of her, I let my hand get slower and softer. I start imagining sleepy energy pouring out of my arm and into her. If I get slower and she starts to wriggle around, I get a little more firm and pull more of that energy out, then slow down again (you can do this technique with the cocoon or without). As her body starts to relax, I get slower and slower, until my hand is still and heavy, with sleepy energy flowing into her. When she's breathing regularly and not moving around, I slowly make my hand lighter, lifting a hair with each in-breath, until it's hovering a few inches above her, and then I allow my hand to radiate a blessing of sleep out over her, casting a protective 'net' that stays over her while she sleeps and keeps her from waking up from noises. I've taught this energy technique to two assistants, and they've both noticed an improvement when they used it. The main key is that you absorb 'busy' energy, and you send out 'sleepy' energy.

Good luck! Sleep is such a tricky issue, because everyone's patience is impaired by lack of sleep (your daughter's, your husband's, and yours). I find that i have almost immeasurable patience if I get 8.5 to 9 hours of sleep per night, but my patience gets shorter much quickly if I get much less. Do order that book from the library if you can, I'd love to hear if it is helpful as well.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Imaginative Journeys for Mundane Tasks

2011-10-13T21:16:00.003-06:00

Redbird tell each child to put
his cloth in the bowl

Dear Miss Faith,
I’ve never before had children that regularly made a fuss but at the moment I look after two brothers (just turned 3 and 4) that get upset about washing hands, having nappies (diapers) changed and having shoes put on. I always give them warning (ie. in a few minutes we can wash our hands so that we will be ready to prepare our snack) give them a choice of helping to do it themselves or I can do it and try to keep things positive and fun but quite often none of it works. I hate having to force them to do things when they get upset but these are things that really need to be done so im not sure what else to do. If you can think of any ideas that might help us I would be grateful!
Thank you, Karen

Hi Karen,

If the children were smaller (say, between 1 and 3), I’d suggest doing less talking. A child who refuses to put on his shoes when you tell him, is often fine if you simply take him by the hand and start putting on his shoes without talking about it. Especially if you are talking about something else that’s interesting, instead. However, your boys are older, and that probably won’t work with them. So, there are a couple of things to do.

One thing that can be very effective is using songs for transitions like washing hands, putting on shoes, etc. A wonderful source for songs for these activities can be found in Mary Schunnemann’s songbook with CD, “This is the Way We Wash-A-Day” (look in the tab "Toy Stores and Song Books" above for how to get it). But again, at three and four, these boys may be so entrenched in being against these activities that you may have to bring out the Big Guns!

The Big Guns in this case are what I’ll call Imaginative Journeys. Three and four year olds are enthralled with imaginative stories of any kind, and these are extra fun because of the movement involved. An Imaginative Journey is a story that you and the children act out together, that involve doing something (like washing hands or putting on shoes). They take a lot more time than just doing the act quickly, but they’re well worth it: the children love them, and it is a sneaky way to increase competence in children who resist doing things for themselves. Think of them as activities in their own right, like circle games. Here are a couple examples, but you can also make up your own.

Washing Hands After A Meal

Try washing hands at the table, using wet wash-cloths. Start telling a story, using the cloths. Here’s one that I use:

Once upon a time, there was a little caterpillar. (You wrap one hand up in the wash-cloth and start ‘crawling’ it around the table).

This caterpillar was SOOO Hungry! He was hungry for…Rice! (or whatever you had for lunch).

He searched and he searched, until finally he found some! (find your other hand which is open palm-up on the table and ‘eat’ all of the rice on it, scrubbing it with the wash-cloth.)

But he was still hungry. ‘Maybe I’ll find some more up here,’ he said, and he crawled higher and higher (crawl up your arm) until he came to the top.

‘There’s lots of rice here!’ he said, and he ate, and he ate and he ate (wash your whole face with the wash-cloth while you say it) until he was SOOO Full, and SOOO Sleepy.

He wrapped himself up in a cocoon blanket, and he found a Branch (put your arm out horizontally) where he hung himself, and he fell fast asleep. (hang your caterpillar arm over your branch arm.)

He slept for days and days, until one day he felt the warm sun on his back, and he wiggled and wiggled out of his cocoon, and down it fell. (put the washcloth on the table, then bring your hands up so your fists are together.)

But he discovered that he was no longer a caterpillar; he had become a beautiful butterfly! (link your thumbs and let your fingers flutter as your butterfly flies around. The end. Or sing a little butterfly song.)

If you are washing hands before a meal, it might be something much faster, maybe even just a song with movements to scrub each hand. At Rainbow Bridge we wash hands before the meal with a pitcher and wash-basin at the table. We sing a song while we do it, and wash each child's hands in turn around the table. the children who are competent scrub their hands with soap and dry their hands on a towel; those who don't, we do it for them. There's no discussion about it because we're singing, and each child's turn seems quite inevitable.

Putting On Shoes

Again, think about how you can make this into an imaginative journey. The following story I just made up, thinking about what I would do in your situation. The story you make up doesn’t have to be as long or as involved as this one, but it should be interesting enough that everyone wants to take part. You can do the same story every day for at least a month, or significantly longer if you don’t get totally sick of it. Here goes: Put all of the children’s hats down in a row, about 2 feet apart, with the child’s shoes in front of it, then announce, “Today, we will do something special. Each child may go and sit down where his hat is!” While they’re finding their hats and sitting down, sing “Find your hat! Then sit down! Find your hat! Then sit down!” Singing during this time will forestall any discussion over it. (After the first few days, no announcement will be needed. Simply start singing the song, and gently steer any child who doesn’t immediately run over.) When they’re all seated, sit down in front of them all with your feet out too, and start telling a story (make sure you have your hat and shoes in your place, too). Speak in a slow, rhythmic voice, a little deeper than your own:

Once upon a time, there were two Feet. (Have your feet with the soles facing each other.)

'Hello,’ said the one foot. ‘Hello,’ said the other. (Wiggle the toes of one foot, then the other.)

(address this next part to the children) Can your feet say hello to one another? (go back to low story-voice.) ‘Hello,’ said the one foot. ‘Hello,’ said the other.

‘Nice day for a walk,’ said the one foot. ‘Indeed it is,’ said the other. (Wiggle toes as each one speaks.)

’Well, where should we go?’ said the one foot. ‘I don’t know,’ said the other.

So they began to walk. (Lift your knees together and have the two feet ‘walk’ on the floor in place, slowly and steadily.)

They walked and walked and walked. ‘I’m really cold,’ said the one foot. ‘I’m really wet,’ said the other. ‘Maybe we can find a cave.’

They looked around, and they found something that they thought would be just right. In they went. (put both feet into your hat. The children will think this is hilarious. They can put their feet into their caves, too. When the feet are ‘talking’ in the cave, speak in a muffled voice.)

’Why are you pushing me?’ said the one foot. ‘You’re pushing Me!’ said the other. ‘We need to find our own caves.’ And out they came.

‘Where is a cave for me?’ said the one foot. ‘Where is a cave for me?’ said the other.

They walked and walked, until they saw something new.

‘Here’s a cave that’s just my size!’ said the one foot, ‘But it will be hard to fit into. I’ll open it up as much as I can.’ (Take one shoe and open it up, pulling any laces or Velcro wide, pulling up the tongue. Then put your foot at the entrance, and start pushing it in.)

’I can’t fit in! I can’t fit in! Push, push, push!’ said the one foot.

Then In-He-Went!” (Push your foot in. Help any children who need help, repeating, ‘I can’t fit in! I can’t fit in! Push, push push!’ until all of the children have one shoe on. Then go back and sit down.)

(Repeat that part of the story for the second foot).

’Now we are ready to walk,’ said the feet!

‘I won’t be cold,’ said the one foot. ‘I won’t be wet,’ said the next foot. And Off-They-Went.”

(Reach down for your hat, and pull it onto your head, giving a big, satisfied sigh to signify the end of the story.)

The secret to having these Imaginative Journeys work is to make them highly ritualistic. Make your movements crisp and stylized, so they are easy to imitate. Make your voice firm and compelling. Don’t force the children to do them with you, just make them so entrancing that the children want to follow along. If a child doesn’t do it, you can give a little help to nudge them along, or repeat part of the story (like when I say, “Can your feet say hello to each other?”), but don’t take so much time away that you lose the interest of the rest of the children. If a child doesn’t take part in the hand and face washing, for example, I will quickly wipe his hands and face for him as I’m picking up the cloths. If he objects, I calmly state, “Next time you can do the story with us, and then I won’t have to wipe your face afterward.”

Other Strategies

If the idea of Imaginative Journeys is too much for you, then think about different ways that you can make these experiences special. For example, I know one woman with a home daycare, and at the end of each meal, she calls each child up to her one by one, and she slowly and lovingly wipes each child’s face and hands, and brushes off any food from his clothing, then gives him a hug, and he can go and play. She loves it because it's a chance for her to connect with each child. Or sometimes I’ll play funny games with the cloths, where we hold them flat against our mouths and I ask funny questions (“Are we all wearing our bathing suits right now?”) That everyone can answer “Nooooo!” and shake their heads back and forth, wiping their mouths. The trick is to make it so fun, or so sweet, that children don’t want to refuse. It’s not a means to an end, it’s an end in itself!

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Starting Daycare and Saying Goodbye

2011-10-10T10:15:00.003-06:00

Dear Miss Faith,

My little guy is starting daycare and while I’m sure that it will be a wonderful, loving place for him, I am dreading dropping him off and saying goodbye. We have had a hard time with babysitters lately. Do you have any advice for helping it go smoothly?

Dear Mama,

Yes! I have helped many families adjust to saying goodbye for the first time, and what I’ve seen is this: the thing that makes the most difference for a child is the parent’s attitude. When a parent feels bad that a child is crying, and lingers as a result, children often continue crying for a long time, even after the parent has managed to drag herself away. I think that when a parent does this, the message she is sending is, “I don’t want to leave you here, but I have to.” The way the child interprets this is, “Mom doesn’t want to leave me here; I AM NOT SAFE HERE.”

The biggest gift you can give your child is to say, with every ounce of your being, “I am leaving you in the best of hands.” You don’t have to say this out loud; transmit it through your actions, through your attitude. This doesn’t mean that you don’t acknowledge his feelings: it’s hard to watch you leave! You can be compassionate without feeling guilty for causing the grief. “I know that saying goodbye is hard, AND I know that you’ll have a good time while I’m gone. I love you so much, and I am leaving you in the best of hands.”

But what if I AM feeling guilty? It is heart-wrenching to walk away when my little one is crying his heart out and reaching out to me.

It seems like one more hug could only help, right? But no. Remember, you know that this is going to be a wonderful, loving place for him. You told me that in your letter. That’s why you chose this place. So, if that is true, then being there won’t be a hardship for him; it’s only the process of watching you leave that is hard. In that case, the longer you draw out the process of leaving, the longer you’re drawing out his feelings of unhappiness. Be loving, and firm in your knowledge that this is the best choice for your family, and say goodbye. If you go out to your car and cry, that’s OK. This is a big transition for both of you. But don’t let those guilty feelings make your son’s separation even harder than it needs to be. (One thing that can help is to ask your caretaker to call you if he hasn’t stopped crying after a certain amount of time.)

I tried doing what you said, but he runs after me and latches onto my legs, so the caretaker has to pull him off of me. That feels terrible!

I bet that feels terrible for everyone! It sounds like your little guy may feel safer with a ‘hand-off.’ Hold him while you’re coming in, and when it’s time to go, put him into the arms of his caretaker. Then blow a kiss and wave goodbye. It’s important that you’re handing him over to the caretaker, so that she doesn’t have to be in the position of pulling him away from you. Remember, you want to be giving your son the message that you are making a good decision and he will be safe here.

On the first day, drop-off was OK, but it seems like it’s getting worse and worse.

My experience is that the first day is often deceptively easy, because your child doesn’t know what’s in store! Then days two, three and four get worse and worse, as he starts to realize that this is a regular thing! But by day five he has started to bond with his caretaker, so it's a little better, and day six is a little better still. Once that bond is established there may still be some crying, but he should be easily comforted by his caretaker after you leave. If your child is only going two days a week, this process might be a little bit slower, as it will take him more time to bond with someone he is not seeing as frequently.

So, know that learning to say goodbye is a process, and don’t lose faith! Continue letting him know that you are leaving him in the best of hands, and don’t draw out the process of saying goodbye. If your child is still really having a hard time after this period, make some time (not at drop-off!) to talk to your caretaker. How long does he cry after you leave? Is he bonding with her and with any of the other children? If he's not bonding well, it may be that being in a big group is overwhelming for him still, and he'd do better with a sitter or a nanny at home. Many children are not ready to be in a group setting without mom until they are at least three years old. If it seems that he IS bonding with her, ask if there’s anything you could be doing differently, that would help his transition. She may well have some ideas.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

hitting smaller children

2011-10-03T19:19:00.001-06:00

Hi Miss Faith,

First, congratulations. I hope you and your partner had a great honeymoon. I didn't change my last name until I was 3 years into marriage (I didn't think I ever was going to change it, but had a change of heart).

In any case, we're having challenges with my 2 1/2 year old being physically aggressive with her peers. Sometimes it's 'out of nowhere' which makes it all the more baffling. In other words, I understand more when she grabs, pushes, pinches, etc. to get something, but am worried about where it's coming from (even when the cause is evident). She doesn't do this with older children (even slightly older). She is very verbal (and did this before she was verbal - I saw your post about that) and has always been on the higher energy side. She didn't do any of it this summer (despite ample opportunity) but now has started up again, even pushing babies down, etc.! Any tips or insight is appreciated!

-Jennifer

Hi Jennifer,

While most toddlers love 'babies,' I have had several children who were naturally aggressive to children who were smaller than they were, and their moms (and I) had to work extra hard with those children as they learned impulse control. My heart goes out to you! Don’t worry too much about “where this is coming from.” She is not destined to grow up to be a bully, and nor is it necessarily a commentary on your parenting. I firmly believe that some children come into the world timid, and some come in with guns blazing; it’s our role as parents and caregivers to help all of them learn behavior skills that will serve them well as they interact with others. That being said, it’s worth asking the basic questions: Does she have a regular routine and consistent boundaries so that she knows what is coming up next and what’s expected? Does she have a nurturing home environment (you aren’t remodeling your house, are you?) and get lots of loving attention from you (no new baby in the family)? If these things aren’t as strong as they could be, then do put some attention into them.

My main long-term suggestion is to help your little girl develop the virtue of Empathy. 2 ½ is a great age to start working on this, as it’s the age when children first start to really be able to live in to someone else’s experiences. Here are a few ways you can help her as she begins this process:

Start Noticing Others

Start noticing out loud how other children are expressing their feelings, and start a conversation with your daughter about what they might want/need. I find it’s more useful for kids if I describe their feelings through actions, rather than simply labeling “he’s sad” or “he’s angry.” So, in the grocery store you might say, “Look, that little boy is so loud! He threw that box of cereal! What do you think he wishes? Maybe he wishes that they were done shopping.” Then imagine what could help: “I bet he could really use some hugs and kisses from his mom right now.” This type of noticing can help your daughter start feeling empathy. With children that your daughter knows, you might make some suggestions about how you two might help. Say you see a little boy crying at drop-off time at their play-group or the gym childcare. “Look, Liam is crying. He’s pulling on his mom. I bet he wishes his mom could stay.” Then, make a suggestion of how you two might help: “Do you think he might like it if we gave him a toy? What kind of toys does Liam like?” Then the two of you could help find a toy together, and offer it to Liam. If Liam takes the toy and likes it, you can celebrate your success with your daughter with a joyful smile. If he doesn’t want it, you might say, “We wanted to help Liam be happy by giving him a toy, but he wasn’t ready to be happy yet. Maybe we can play with him later.” The next step is to help her relate his experience with her own (but don’t be too heavy with this): “Are you sometimes sad when I leave you with the babysitter?”

Help Your Daughter Notice How Others React to Her

Also start noticing out loud how children are responding to your daughter’s interactions with them, and you can even speak for those children if they’re not very verbal yet. If your daughter is approaching someone smaller who she has hurt in the past, watch how they react: “Oh, Tina’s turning away. She’s saying, ‘please touch me gently.’” If she does touch Tina gently, you might say, “Look! She’s smiling! She likes how you’re touching her!” If she touches Tina and Tina flinches and pulls away, you could say, “Tina’s saying, ‘please stop.’ I don’t think she wants even gentle touches today. Maybe you could try finding a toy for her, instead.” I use this type of noticing at Rainbow Bridge all the time, and it’s quite effective in helping children learn to notice the effects of their actions. Also, when I ‘speak’ for the smaller child in this way, when that child starts to talk, he or she will often use the words that I’ve been using for all that time, instead of simply shrieking (an added bonus!).

A Special Doll

Dolls can play a real and vital role for children as they process what they’ve experienced, and experience new roles in fantasy. I can often tell what’s going on at home by how children interact with our dolls: a girl with a colicky baby at home paced the playroom with the baby doll for a full 20 minutes, shushing her lovingly. Another little girl gave the doll many Time Outs. Get a special baby doll for your daughter, and make this baby really come alive. Introduce her with a special name, and hold her like you’d hold a real baby. Teach your daughter how to hold her, how to care for her. Treat her as much like a real baby as you can. Attribute feelings to her. If you see her on the floor, say “Oh no! Baby Rosie has fallen down! She’s crying!” Run over and scoop Baby Rosie off the floor, saying, “Don’t cry! I’ll give you hugs and kisses!” Pat her like you would a real baby, then pass her over to your daughter, saying, “I think she’d like some hugs from you, too.” Make putting Baby Rosie to bed part of your daughter’s bedtime ritual, where she can tuck her in and give her a kiss.

Books or stories that you make up can also be very useful. I often make up ‘teaching stories’ for children about woodland creatures who are experiencing what the children are going through. So in this case, since we’re working on empathy, it might be a little boy chipmunk who had a friend who was rough with him, and while he wanted to see his friend, he was scared he’d get hurt, and he stopped wanting his friend to come over anymore. I NEVER compare the story out loud to what’s happening in real life; the children simply soak it in.

Set Her Up for Success

Helping your daughter start to develop her sense of empathy is a longer-term solution to your problem. By the time she’s three I bet you’ll see a marked improvement, and by 3 ½ it should hopefully be gone (although it may come back in times of stress). In the meantime, do your best to put your daughter in situations where she can thrive and develop healthy patterns. Limit her interactions with smaller children as much as is practical for the next few months. Make a conscious effort to arrange play-dates with children who are slightly older than her for the next few months (2 ½ year-olds often LOVE four-year-olds). If you’re going to be with a family who has a littler child she has hurt in the past, perhaps bring your daughter’s new doll along with you, for her to nurture. And stay right on top of her as she interacts with any child who is littler than she is, helping her see if they’re liking what she’s doing.

Another piece of setting her up for success is to step things up a notch. I've noticed that many children at two-and-a-half suddenly need More than they were getting before: more structured activities (trips to the zoo or the creek, crafts, baking), more exercise (races, climbing, jumping), more expectations of helping, and more appreciation for showing the skills she's developed when she does help. If they don't get this More that they crave, they have trouble. And hang in there! You’ve got a strong-willed little girl on your hands, but an empathetic, respectful, strong-willed girl will be a pleasure to be around for the rest of her life. So help her develop these virtues.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Throwing Food

2011-09-28T23:31:00.002-06:00

Dear Miss Faith,
Welcome back and congratulations! I have a question for you - my son is 15 mo old and is the messiest eater you can imagine. For the most part I let him feed himself (he loves it) but eventually he starts throwing food all over the place. At that point I assume he is full and ready to get down and play, but often he'll keep eating. I don't want to take the food away if he is still hungry, but I'm also losing my patience with the food flinging. It's great that we have a dog who cleans up most of the mess - but still... :-) Any advice?
Thanks,
Renee

Hi Renee,

I am a big fan of letting kids eat by themselves as much as possible, but I'm right there with you that you don't want food being thrown around. One thing I've discovered that works really well is to give a child a very small amount of food, and then give them more when they've eaten it all, and more when they're done with that. I'm not exactly sure why it works, but kids tend to throw food less when there's less of it. It’s more energy-intensive for you, but it’s worth it to minimize the flinging. He's a little young to be talking, but when you see his empty bowl you can say, "You've eaten it all! Would you like some more?" He can nod, for sure. You see him nodding and you say for him, "Yes, please." Then, as he gets older, he can say "Yes, please," for himself.

I've also noticed that many kids go through meals in a kind of wave-pattern of eating and not eating (hence the throwing of food, then continuing to eat afterwards). Using the method of eating several small servings can let a child naturally go through those waves. Telling little stories, or doing finger-games, or singing little songs can give a child something to do in the 'down' parts of the pattern besides throwing food around, if it hits when his bowl isn’t empty yet. Also, do you eat at the same time as he does? Children act strongly through imitation, so if you see him getting restless and you think food-throwing might be about to start, you could say, "I'm so thirsty! I'll take a sip of water!" Then you pick up your cup and take a drink. Chances are fairly good that he will do that too. “Mmmmm,” you say, making eye contact with him. Later you might say, "Take a bite!" and you take a bite with your fork.

If food-throwing has turned into a fun game which is much more amusing anything else, I do sometimes take a child's bowl away, but I just do it for a moment. It might go something like this: a child throws some food and I say, "Oh! That food is just for eating! Where is your spoon?" I take a bite with my spoon. "Mmmmm." He throws the food again. "It looks like you're done eating. When you're ready to eat again, you can have your bowl back." I take the bowl. "Wahhh!" "This food is just for eating. Are you ready to eat?" He nods. I put the bowl back down. "Where's your spoon?" This actually works pretty well. If he starts throwing again, I'll say, "You forgot! That food is just for eating. Take a bite!" And I take a bite. Sometimes a reminder is enough to get them back on track, but at 15 months, it might not be. So, the next time, "I'll take your bowl till you're ready to eat." "Wahhh." This time, I don't give it back right away. "You wish you had your bowl, but you forgot that food was for eating. You can try again in a moment." I take a few bites of my food, take a sip of water, then say, "Are you ready to eat again?" He nods, and gets the bowl back. Normally, that's the end. But if the throwing starts again, I will take the bowl away and he is all done with his meal (otherwise THAT can turn into a game). I don't do it angrily, I'm matter-of-fact and a little sympathetic. I reassure him that he’ll get another chance to eat at lunchtime, and I create an image of him doing it right the next time. “You’re just learning that food’s only for eating,” I’ll say. “Don’t worry; you’ll get the hang of it.”

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

I'm Back!

2011-09-28T12:33:00.001-06:00

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all of your good wedding wishes. I'm back from my honeymoon, feeling rejuvenated, and ready to get going again!

And...it's taking my brain a bit of effort to switch gears. So give me a hand and get me started: what questions or issues are you working with at home or in your program? What feels good and what feels challenging? Post in the 'comments' here, or email me privately at faithrainbow@yahoo.com and let me know. Questions always get my creative juices flowing...

Warmly,
Miss Faith (or should I be Mrs. Faith? Mrs. Collins? I think I'll stick with Miss Faith, at least for now...)

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

See you in October!

2011-08-19T00:22:00.001-06:00

Running through the rice!

Dear Readers,

If you have all been wondering why my posting has been falling off lately, it's because I've been busy planning my wedding! Then last Saturday the day came, and I was lucky enough to join my life together with a wonderful man. What a moving and exciting experience. And now we're getting ready for our honeymoon, and then we'll be moving to London. So, I just wanted to let you know that I probably won't be posting again until October, when I plan to "get back to business" and start posting again on a regular basis. Thank you all for reading, and don't think I've fallen away altogether--I'll be back!

Warmly,
Miss Faith (now Faith Collins)

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Pre-Verbal Hitting

2011-08-06T00:18:00.001-06:00

Hey Miss Faith, I was wondering if you could write more on hitting.
Our pre-verbal 15 mo is going through a rough phase this past month. He hits me and my husband in the face, throws things at us and the dog, pulls the cats by their tails and bops the goats on the nose. He's just being too rough with everyone.
We've tried reminding and showing him how to use "gentle hands," and here lately we've been yelling, "No, we don't hit!" but that doesn't help either. My husband is getting really frustrated as this behavior continues and increases, and he wants me to start smacking him on the hand but that just seems antithetical to all my parenting philosophies.
Just seems hard for us to communicate the ideas to him... maybe it seems harder because he doesn't yet talk himself.

Hi Mama,

In my experience, there are often two ‘rough phases’ with pre-verbal kids. The first often comes shortly after becoming steady on their feet; the other one often happens right before a child is about to start speaking.

ROUGHNESS AFTER LEARNING TO WALK

So, your little guy learns to walk. At first, this is a great accomplishment on its own, and it takes all of his concentration. But then, he has mastered it! At this point, many kids go through a ‘rough’ phase. In my mind, I think of it as them realizing that they are big and powerful in the world! They are exulting in their new-found strength, and in the new-found freedom to use their arms for grabbing or flailing instead of for crawling. At this stage, I often see kids hitting, or grabbing hair, poking eyes, or biting for the first time. They are experiencing this new freedom from the inside, and they have no idea that these fabulous new movements are actually hurting other people, or the cat, or whatever else they come into contact with. This idea that they have to observe how their actions are affecting other people, and moderate them, is totally foreign. Up until this point in their lives, their actions have never had this effect on people before. So, we have to teach them to moderate their actions.

Because this is brand-new, it certainly won’t happen overnight. That's where we, as parents and caregivers, have to pull on our inner reserves. Just be as patient as you can, and remember that this is a new skill and a new idea, and will take many, many times of practicing before it becomes an internal process for him. Yelling as a general strategy doesn’t seem to help to speed up the process, although if a child really hurts you (through a hard bite, or a head-butt in the larynx, for example), then a big reaction is warrented. But that should be saved for infrequent safety-related moments. In general, remember that children learn through repetition, and through imitation. Don’t just say “gentle hands,” as that has little meaning. Instead, say “gentle hands,” and help him stroke the kitty, or stroke your leg, or stroke the neighbor girl’s arm. "Yes, that's it! You're touching with gentle hands!" If you re-direct his actions into stroking with his ‘gentle hands’ EVERY SINGLE TIME he is too rough, here’s what may well happen: First, you do it about a hundred times. After a couple of weeks, you’ll be able to say “gentle hands,” and some of the time he’ll start stroking on his own, without you physically helping him to do it. You give him lots of love when he does that. About 4 weeks in, he might start going over to the cat, or to the neighbor girl, and he’ll look directly at you, and very deliberately stroke her, without any prompting from you. You go crazy with joy, because this is the beginning of a new era! You still have to remind him (and help him) to touch gently a lot of the time, but he knows how to do it, and even thinks about doing it on his own. He is proud of his accomplishment, and you are too.

ROUGHNESS BEFORE LEARNING TO SPEAK

The second time I’ve noticed that it’s fairly common for pre-verbal children to become aggressive is right before they start to speak. It seems to me that there is a process where a child becomes very frustrated that others can’t understand him, and then there’s a kind of break-through, and when they start speaking, things tend to even out. When this phase is going on, it can be very useful to give the child the words he will soon be using (you hope!). So, you see the neighbor girl accidentally bump into your little boy, and your boy turns around and hits her. Instead of saying, “No hitting!” or, “We don’t hit,” (or even "gentle hands,") try saying what he wishes he could say: “You’re saying, ‘Please don’t bump me!’” If the neighbor girl is crying, I would go over to her and give her a hug, saying “Oh no! Are you alright? That was too rough, wasn’t it? I think he was trying to say, ‘Please don’t bump me!’” Being a Translator for your little guy can help smooth out this time, and when those words come, he’ll know how to say what he’s wanting to express.

And last thoughts: this time when they're learning to moderate their impulses can be trying for everyone, so don't forget to enjoy one another as much as you can! Whenever you are stepping up the 'discipline,' it's important to step up displays of love by an equal amount.

Warmly,

Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Toddlers Grabbing

2011-07-20T00:00:00.002-06:00

Dear Miss Faith,

My son is 22 months and he always wants to pound on the computer keyboard or grab the mouse. My husband yells at him a lot for this, and the whole thing is driving me crazy, but I don’t know what to do. Any ideas you have would be welcome.

Hi there,

It’s not surprising that your little guy wants to bang on the keyboard and grab the mouse, that’s what he sees you and dad doing, all the time! Children want to be involved in whatever we’re involved in, and they want to do whatever they see us doing. That said, it’s not always appropriate for them to do what we’re doing! What to do?

I have a couple of suggestions: the first one is to get or make a toy computer that he can play with, so he can use that imitative urge. You can make a perfectly good laptop out of a FedEx box, some construction paper, and a marker. However, this will only solve part of the problem, because the real issue is that he sees your computer sucking your attention away, and he wants to be involved in whatever you’re involved in. But yelling at him not to touch doesn’t get you very far. Here’s the important piece:

Whenever a child wants to touch something that you don’t want them to be messing with, think of a way that he CAN touch/interact with it, that is OK with you. Using one finger is often helpful. For a laptop, it might be that he can run his index finger along the edge that protects the screen. Next, teach him how to do it. And from then on, whenever he wants to interact with the computer, you can guide him to touch it in this way that you’ve sanctioned. So you’re never pushing him away, you’re never yelling at him to stop, you’re just reminding him, again and again, how he CAN touch it. “Oh! You can touch it on the edge, with your finger.” (Show him. He imitates). “That’s right! You’re touching the computer! That’s the way you do it!” You smile into his eyes, and he’s thrilled that he gets to interact with you around this object which you spend lots of time concentrating on, and clearly love. You’re not pushing him away, you’re inviting him in, in a way that is age-appropriate. He can touch the edge of the computer as many times as he wants to.

I have done this with children that age with many things, and it seems to satisfy them. I had one little girl who was a little younger, 17 months or so, who desperately wanted to grab my knitting whenever I’d sit down with it on the couch. Instead of pulling it away from her or chastising her, I came up with a little ritual: whenever she wanted to interact with my knitting, she could put one finger up and touch the tip of one needle, then the tip of another. It took a couple of days of near-constant practice with her, but eventually it became an established ritual, and then lost much its interest (perhaps because it didn’t get such a big response as grabbing my knitting had?). After that she would come up and touch my knitting needles about once an hour, but no more. Each time was a little chance for us to make eye contact and connect briefly, and then she’d go back to her play. She rarely grabbed it again. I’ve also done this with flowers in my garden: with flowers, you can touch them with one finger, or you can smell them. That is all. Children are satisfied with this, just as they are satisfied with the fact that the garbage has to stay in the trash can, or the lamp has to stay upright, or all of the other rules around touching things that we have in our lives.
Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Luring Kids into Helping

2011-07-01T15:32:00.001-06:00

This is a response that I wrote to a mom in my teleclass who was inspired to fold laundry with her four-year-old daughter, only to discover that her daughter wasn't interested. I believe that allowing children to help with housework can be wonderful for both of you, if it helps you and your child feel connected, if it allows them to develop competence, and enables them to feel like they're contributing. Most children love to help whenever they're allowed to, but if your child is accustomed to you doing it on your own, they may not jump right in when giving the opportunity. If that happens, then it's time to concentrate heavily on the connecting aspect, so they really enjoy doing it with you. Here was a suggestion I gave:

Dear Mom,
Don't be discouraged that your daughter didn't jump right in. If she's used to not doing it with you, it may take awhile for her to warm up to it. And I bet that just having you doing it so calmly and lovingly is still nurturing to her, even if she doesn't participate. One thing you could do if you WANT her to help is to "lure" her in by making it into a real connecting activity. Since she loves puppet shows, you might do this by telling a story while you fold laundry, something that she will really enjoy. At first she might just sit near you while you fold and tell the story, and eventually she might want to help as well. A slightly different take might be to make the act of folding really enjoyable, and incorporate it into a type of puppet show of its own. It might go something like this:

"Once upon a time, there was a little mouse." (take one of the baby's socks and make it into a little mouse scurrying along the ground. "That mouse lived in a house where there was LOTS of laundry to be done! He loved living in that house because there were always lots and lots of places for him to hide." (Have your mouse scurry from unfolded thing to unfolded thing.) "In this same house there also lived a cat! He loved to chase the mouse, but he couldn't find him
when he hid under laundry that wasn't folded. (Make a cat with a slightly larger piece of laundry that you roll up into a log. Have the cat chase the mouse around, but the mouse always manages to hide.)

"One day, the cat had a great idea. What if he could fold the laundry, so that the mouse had nowhere to hide? He was very excited by this idea, but how could he do it? Cats can't fold laundry! He tried, and he tried, but he couldn't do it right." (Have the cat try and fail.) "'I know,' said the cat. 'I need someone with hands who will help me.' He looked around for someone who could help. First he went to the baby to ask for help." (He goes over to the baby.) "'Will you help me fold the laundry so I can catch the mouse?' He asks. But the baby is too little, and doesn't know how to fold laundry. Then he went to the mother. 'Will you help me fold the laundry so I can catch the mouse?' 'Yes,' said the mother, and she folded a washcloth." (fold a washcloth that the mouse is hiding under, and have the mouse run away to another piece of laundry that's not folded. The cat runs after him, but he doesn't get there in time.) "Oh no! The cat chased the mouse, but he wasn't fast enough! He looked around to see if there was anyone else who might help him by folding a piece of laundry. There he saw a little girl." (...)

You get the idea. You and your daughter can alternate folding the laundry while the cat and the mouse run back and forth, until all of the laundry is folded. You will have to decide if the cat gets to catch the mouse at the end, or if the mouse escapes, to be chased another day. As time goes on, your daughter might want to control the mouse as he runs, or the cat (although it might be too hard to resist catching the mouse before the laundry is done). At any rate, you don't have to use that story, but the idea is to make your task SO fun, that it's what she wants to be doing, and it's all about the two
of you connecting and having a good time together. And, unlike a normal puppet show, the laundry gets folded at the end of this one!

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

New TeleClass Begins June 27th

2011-06-15T10:34:00.002-06:00

I am excitedly preparing for the new session of my live TeleClass, Joyful Days with Toddlers and Preschoolers! I held the first two sessions of this class in March, and it exceeded my expectations in almost every way. The women who signed up for the course were a mixture of moms and home-daycare-providers (many were both!), and they told me over and over again how great it was to get a real and practical dose of inspiration and connection every week. One woman said that just the act of calling in each week calmed her and made her feel more spacious in her parenting! Here's what else people said:

"I can't tell you how much I appreciate this class. It truly has done wonders for our family and for me as a mom... My husband has noticed a big difference with me and with the boys... I got more than I imagined I would have gotten [from this class]."
-C.L., mother of 2

So, what is the class like? Each class is a conference call that lasts an hour and fifteen minutes. A few days before each call, I will send out my thoughts on that week's theme, and a link to that week's video footage. Each week has about 10-12 minutes of video footage of me interacting with the children (ages 1-5) in different ways. When the class-time comes, we call in to the conference call, and we watch the video footage together, stopping frequently for discussion and questions. Between classes, people can chat through an online discussion groups, and are given optional 'assignments.' Here's what one student said:

"...Love your teaching, the three layers of: watch the video, hear your comments on it and live question session, followed by written thoughts, and follow-ups to specific questions, it really creates a rich texture to the class...Every week has given me new ideas to try and made me more mindful of all the elements that go into this work."

-H.C., mother of 2

I think that the video footage is part of what makes the class so unique and so useful. It's one thing to hear someone talk about what they do; it's another thing altogether to see them do it. And each week's video is so different! The first week is very inspirational: how to incorporate children in the tasks that make up Life, and why it feels so fulfilling to children when we do. People saw the footage and said, "I can do that!" The next week's video footage was totally different. The theme is Teach Children to Interact Graciously, and every single clip begins with someone shrieking. The week's themes are:

-Life As the Curriculum

-Teach Children to Interact Graciously

-Make Mealtimes Special

-Smooth and Easy Transitions

-Create Nurturing Spaces

-Be Your Best Self

If you spend your days with children ages 1-5, and you wish the time you spent with children could be more joyful than it is now, I warmly invite you to take this TeleClass. Click on the tab above (marked June/July Teleclass) for dates, times, and prices. Email me to hold your spot or with any questions, faithrainbow@yahoo.com

Warmly,

Miss Faith

When I'm Low Energy

2011-06-08T06:23:00.003-06:00

Lavender Foot-Baths

When I am in full health, and have gotten enough sleep, I LOVE my time with children. But when I don't get enough sleep, or I have a headache, or a cold, or medicine is making me groggy, the amount of energy it takes to care for children just seems beyond my capabilities. And yet there they are, as rambunctious as ever.

Take Care of Miss Faith Day
On days when I feel wiped out, I implement "Take Care of Miss Faith" days. I lower the lights. I pull the curtains. When the children come in, I tell them in a soft voice, "Today's gong to be a quiet day. Today will be a day when YOU take care of ME!" I lie down on the couch, or in the cozy corner that's loaded with lambskins and cushions. The children bring over blankets and silks and 'tuck me in.' They bring over the dollies and tuck them in with me. They bring over books, and we take turns where they read one to me, then I'll read one to them. We play the kinderharp. We brush hair and give lavender foot-baths. We drink warm chamomile tea. Take Care of Miss Faith days are days for snuggling, and they are sweet and soft. I talk more softly, more slowly than usual. Things I normally do myself, I ask the children to do for me, and they love to rise to the occasion.

When I first started implementing these days, it was when I had a migraine, or a close relative was seriously ill. It seemed that the children could sense that I really needed some quiet space, and extra care. Even the littlest ones were more quiet than usual. But then I thought, Why not have these days a little more often? The children are clearly capable of doing it when it's needed, and they seem to benefit from it as much as I do. So I started having these "quiet days" more often. If it was a really rainy day, we'd turn it into a quiet day. If we had a cold snap and we hadn't been able to play outside in five days, we'd have a quiet day. If four parents said their kids were grumpy or sleep deprived at drop-off, we'd have a quiet day. I'd try to do them often enough that the children would remember them, but infrequently enough that they remained unusual and special. About once a month seemed good.

The reality is that these days still take quite a lot of energy on my part. I can't just "check out" and let the kids run things themselves; that tends to result in chaos. Instead, I have to use my energy to create this cozy, intimate atmosphere. If a child forgets and becomes loud, I'll remind them that "today is a quiet day," and if they can't tone it down, I'll say, "if you need to be loud, I'd like you to do it in the other room. Today is a day where I need quiet around me." Because these days are so snuggly and so special, most children would rather tone it down than be left out of the special atmosphere. But even though they still take energy (I'm still running the show, I'm just running a different show from normal), I find it to be restful and rejuvenating, and the children do, too. Those who need extra cuddling get as many cuddles as they need, and those who wish they were a little bigger get the chance to stand tall and really help on a whole new level. And I get to spend significant chunks of time in a semi-horizontal position, drinking tea and having children love all over me.

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Time to Play Outside!

2011-06-02T04:26:00.003-06:00

Spring has truly sprung, and in many places, summer is in full swing (unless you're in the southern hemisphere, of course!). Let me take a minute to inspire you, or re-inspire you, to spend lots and lots of time outside with your children! The outdoors is stimulating in all the right ways for young kids. There are interesting things on every level, and everywhere you look there is something new. Sunlight changes and wind changes and humidity changes, and they affect our whole bodies, but in a gentle way. Even on days with intense weather, dress appropriately and go outside! On a VERY windy day, you and your child can be birds, running and soaring through the gale. On rainy days, the worms come up and the robins go down. The dirt turns to mud and everything becomes slippery. Allow your child to experience all of these things, both with you, and (as much as possible) on his own.

If your child is not used to spending lots of time outside, it may take him a little while to get used to it. But it's worth it, on every level! I find that the more time I spend outdoors with kids, the better and nicer our indoor time is. I find that the more time we spend outdoors, the more easily they go down for nap. I find that the more time we spend outdoors, the less picky the children are about their food. And I find that the more time we spend outdoors, the more magnanimous I feel.
So, how to spend more time outdoors? Well, build it into your day as a regular staple. Go outside as early as possible, and stay out there as long as possible. When the weather is nice, go outside twice a day! Eat snacks or meals outside. If there's a neighborhood park that you've always meant to spend more time at but only get to every few months, start going every day or every other day.
Next, look at your own back yard, and figure out how you can make it a little more magical. Yards become magical by having lots of texture, different spaces with different terrain, and lots of hidey-places. Find a place where two fences meet, and curve a plastic trellis from Home Depot to make a little trellis house! This one I did at Boulder Waldorf Kindergarten, and trained a grape vine over it. The grapes would grow down through the holes. Fantastic!

Plant a bean teepee that's large enough for children to play inside. Plant a blackberry patch. Have a bushy area? Cut the bottoms of the bushes up three or four feet, so that it turns into a living fort. Make pathways out of paving stones or wood chips. Put a row of stumps just about anywhere. Get a pile of bricks for kids to build stuff with, or a pile of river-rocks. A stump cut into 1-inch rounds make great stepping-stones, pathways, plates, boats for mice, and many other magical things. But most of all, just do it! The more time you spend outside, the better everyone feels. Any corner of your yard that's not currently being used can be infused with energy by putting up a tent, tying a tarp overhead, planting a raised garden bed, piling up rocks, or anything that generates interest. Be sure to bring snacks, and drink lots of water, and then put out a picnic blanket and lie back in the shade while your children explore.

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Foster Patience

2011-05-30T03:51:00.002-06:00

Our enjoyment of the children in our lives increases dramatically when we teach them how to be patient. Picture two sets of mothers talking together. One has a child who wants his mom to push him on the swing. She tells him that she's busy talking, and he whines and pulls on her for five minutes until she finally gives in. With the other set of mothers, a little boy wants his mom to play on the teeter-totter with him. She says, “I'm talking to Mary right now; I'll come over in a few minutes.” He waits patiently until she is done, or goes off to play with something else, checking back periodically to see when she'll be ready. Who wouldn't want their child to be more like that second little boy! Many people seem to think that patient children just naturally “come” that way, but in reality, patience is a skill that we can help children learn.

So how do we foster patience in the children we care for? Patience is really about children being able to regulate themselves, and there are several things we can do to help them learn.

Use Ritual

When I first started working with groups toddlers, it seemed like mealtimes were especially hard. No matter how quickly I tried to get everyone seated and get the food out, it seemed like it was never fast enough. They just couldn't wait, and it seemed to end with a melt-down as often as not. Finally, I took a deep breath and realized that since I couldn't do it any faster, I needed to change my whole approach. And what I did was to slow down, and infuse the beginnings of meals with ritual. I used song and verse, and I did things in the exact same way each time. I washed children's hands in the same order. I stopped between tasks and played finger-games with the group. And suddenly, even though the mealtime transition now took at least three times as long as it had before, the children were able to sit quietly and patiently through the whole thing. It was amazing! Ritual helps children to self-regulate (which leads to learning patience) by letting them know exactly where they are in the process.

Tell Them When

Another thing you can do to help children learn patience is to tell them exactly when they will be able to get what they want. Young children's concept of time is linear, so to tell them “exactly when” is to tell them what will happen between now and then. If a child wants you to help her undress a baby-doll while you're washing the dishes, you might say, “First I'll finish washing this pot, then I'll rinse it, and wipe my hands, and then I will help you with your doll.” If they want you to go upstairs with them but you're busy paying bills, you might say, “I'm going to finish writing this check, then I'll put it in the envelope, put a stamp and address on it, and put it by the door. Then I will come upstairs with you.” If, after a moment, she comes back and asks you again, you can say, “I'm done writing the check, and I've put it in the envelope. Now I'm putting the stamp and address on it, then I'll put it by the door, and then I'll come with you.” You can let her know exactly where you are in the process each time she asks, and this will help her learn patience. When you first start using this technique, keep it very short: “I'll finish writing the check and then I'll come up with you.” As they start to learn that you consistently come when you're done doing what you say you'll do, they can wait through more and more steps.

I also use this technique in conversation. If I'm talking to another person and a child tries to interrupt, I'll tell him, “I'm talking to Oma right now. When I finish with her I'll be ready to listen to you.” With a very young child, or a child who's new to my program, I'll just finish my sentence with Oma and then it will be the child's turn to speak. If they want me to help them with something, I will tell them, “I'll be able to help you when I'm done with my conversation. You'll know I'm done when I come into the play-room.” Again, I won't make a child wait too long. When I come, I'll acknowledge, “You waited so patiently, and now I'm here to help you!” It's really important to start small and work your way up, so that a child can rest in the knowledge that if you say you'll come help in a minute, you really will (they don't need to remind you again and again). If they're very impatient, and have to remind me again anyhow, I will acknowledge this, too: “You're having a hard time waiting, huh? What will you do while you wait? Why don't you play with the fire-truck until I come?” Or, “Would you like to sit on my lap while I'm finishing up here with Oma?” Then I'll wrap up my conversation with Oma, and say to the child, “Wow. You waited and waited, and now I'm finally ready.”

And finally, I use this technique when multiple children are attempting to talk to me at once. “First I'll listen to Ashley, then to to Sonya, and then Chloe.” I always try to make sure that I give each child the turn that I've told them they'll get, although they've often forgotten what they were trying to say by then. However, they're always happy to make up a new story when they've gotten my attention! When children feel confident that they'll get my attention when I say they will, they don't feel the need to talk over each other, and it's easier for them to learn to be patient.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Toys

2011-05-27T00:12:00.002-06:00

People have asked me about toys for toddlers, my ‘must have’ list. Mostly, I think that children do better with fewer toys than we would ever imagine. If you want a more comprehensive list, look in Kim John Payne’s book “Simplicity Parenting.” But here’s my list:

-First, colored silks. These are so versatile and can be used for so many different things: as a cape or skirt, as a baby blanket, as a sack for carrying things around…etc. etc.

-Next, a basket of soft balls of various sizes. These balls are what are appropriate to throw inside, so whenever a child forgets and throws something else, you can remind her: “What can we throw inside?” If she’s too little, you can answer for her: “Soft balls! Where IS a soft ball?” And she can run over to the ball basket.

-Third, a play-kitchen. The first step of imaginative play is largely imitative, and children will act out what they see around them in their play, as their way of processing experiences. Since many of us spend lots of time in the kitchen, a play kitchen is paramount! (warning: I don’t love those vegetables that come apart into pieces with Velcro in between. It seems cool in the ad that the kids can ‘cut’ them apart, but the reality is that they never go back together, at least with little one.)

-Books. Many Waldorf programs don’t have books, but I know that many children use books as a way to self-soothe, and when kids are tired it can be really nice to snuggle on the couch together and look at a book. I don’t usually read the words; most of the time I talk about the pictures with them.

-Dolls. Not too many, though; each doll should be really special and cared for. I tend to think that three is a good number.

-Things for kids to push. These could be wooden trucks or metal Tonka trucks outside, or a baby carriage, or a duck that flaps its feet as it walks.

-Paper and crayons to be brought out periodically.

Really, this is enough. As kids get older, dress-up clothes start to become popular, but again, less is better. When each toy is special and cared-for, and each thing has its own designated space, then toys are used more often, and more imaginatively. I am a big believer in rotating toys, as children will approach things with new eyes when they've had time to grow a bit in between. So whenever you notice your play-room or livingroom or a child's bedroom feeling cluttered, or cleaning up taking more energy than you wish, take several boxes out and fill one to give to Goodwill, and the other to put in the shed for a few months.

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

"Stop," "Don't," and "No."

2011-05-18T23:23:00.002-06:00

How and Why to Stop Saying “Stop,” “Don’t,” and “No.”

Stop saying “Stop.”

Why I avoid saying ‘stop’:

Young children can’t stop. They don’t understand it yet; the only time they stop is when they’re sleeping. So I try to avoid saying “stop,” as that only tends to lead to frustration, both on my part and the children’s.

So what to do when children are doing something that you don’t like? Well, even though children can’t stop, they CAN do something else. So instead of saying, “stop banging your spoon on the table,” I say, “You can use your spoon to take a bite.” Instead of saying, “Stop throwing sand,” I say, “You can put that sand into a bucket.” Instead of saying, “Stop grabbing,” I say, “You can find a toy that nobody is using.”

When a child is interacting with another child in a way that they don’t like, I try not to say “stop.” Instead, I give them the words to talk to one another:

Sam comes up and tries to grab Harry’s toy.

Harry: Wah! (Looking at me)

Me: Harry, you can say, “I’m playing with this right now.”

Harry: I’m playing with this right now.

Sam: Wah!

Me: Oh, you wish you were playing with that?

Sam: (nod)

Me: Why don’t you say, “Can I use that when you’re done?”

Sam: Can I use that when you’re done?

Harry: Mine!

Me: Harry, you can say, “You can use this when I’m all done.”

When kids say “stop” to each other, I help them by translating very clearly what “stop” means. At Rainbow Bridge, “Stop means take your hands away.” I keep my ears out and whenever I hear a child saying “stop,” I turn around and watch, and remind them if needed, “Stop means take your hands away.” If they don’t, I’ll continue, “It looks like you need some help taking your hands away this time.”

Don’t say “Don’t.”

Why I avoid using the word don’t:

We all think with imagery, and children even more than adults. If I say, “Don’t run in the street,” what’s the image that comes into your head? Now, how about if I say, “Please walk straight along the sidewalk.” The word “don’t” is a modifier that is very weak compared to the strong image created by the rest of the phrase. This is why, if you say “Don’t jump in the puddle,” the average two-year-old will go directly to the puddle and jump in it, and be slightly puzzled as to why you’re annoyed.

What I do instead

The solution is exactly the same as with “stop.” Instead of saying what you don’t want, say what you DO want the child to do. If a little boy is riding his bike towards his friends and knocks into them over and over again, I will say, “You can go around your friends.” If a child is leaning on a gate that is rickety, I’ll tell them, “Please stand up straight and tall.”

Because we think so strongly in images, I also use images to set the scene for children, telling them how I want them to act in an upcoming situation: “When I open the gate, everyone will walk calmly through, and wait on the other side until I latch it again. Then we’ll walk together on the sidewalk, stopping at each tree for me to catch up.” I don’t necessarily expect them to remember and obey, I’m just planting the seeds and setting the scene. Then I’ll remind them right before each step, what’s about to happen.

Why Not to say “No.”

Why I avoid saying ‘no.’

I try to avoid saying no because children hear it all the time, and it loses its effectiveness if used too much.

What I do instead

If a child needs a swift word to stop them from doing something, I will often clap twice, very loudly. This startles them and pauses them long enough for me to let them know what I DO want them to be doing.

If a child asks if they can do something or have something, I try to say Yes, with as many caveats as I need. If I’m up to the elbows in sudsy dishwater and a child asks me to tie a cape around their neck, I’ll say, “Yes. I’ll help you as soon as I’m done with the dishes.” If the child complains that they want it right now, we might brainstorm together: they could ask a friend for help, or try to do it themselves, or play with something else until I’m done.

If the child asks for something and the answer will always be no, I will either tell them what they CAN have, “You can have a red ball today,” and just be compassionate if that’s a disappointment; or I will say “yes” in my imagination: “If I had another green ball, I would give it to you for sure!” I often take this imagination and run with it, making it bigger and bigger, and then transforming it into another conversation: “In fact, if I had two green balls, I’d have one for you and one for me. And we could throw them back and forth. If we had three green balls, who would you give the third one to? What if we had a whole room full of balls? We could take them to the park and give one to every child we met! That would sure be fun. Remember last time we went to the park?” And on from there.

-Tell them when they CAN have/do what they want

Conclusion

The reason that I try to avoid saying stop, don’t, and no, isn’t because it will ruin a child’s self-esteem. I do it because it’s significantly more effective than the alternatives. And I do it because I enjoy my time with toddlers more when I’m not saying no all the time!

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check our our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

'Shy' Toddlers

2011-05-10T10:37:00.003-06:00

Dear Faith,
I would love your thoughts in shyness in my almost two year old. I've noticed in recent months that if someone she doesn't know talks to her or wants to engage with her (question, etc) she becomes very withdrawn. I have had several experiences recently when she enters an unfamiliar space with people around that she will burst into strong tears for several minutes and buries her head in my chest, begging to go. This leads them to declare her shy, or even, wow, she's extremely shy! I have read that it's much better to avoid labeling her this way, as it may contribute to a feeling of defectiveness. My husband and I don't call her shy for this reason but invariably others will.
In known situations, she is exceedingly secure and spirited. I'm with her full time but she often plays with other kids and we attend music classes, etc, and those interactions are positive since they are familiar.
I know we each have our own temperament; I simply want to support her the best I can in these situations and in her social development. I would also love to hear your advice on how best to respond when others declare her shyness.
Many thanks!

Dear Mama,
It's extremely common for children at this age to go through a "very shy" phase around strangers. I think that as infants, many children feel like they are part of their mother's being, and as long as they're in her energy field, they feel fine no matter where they are. But this stage, approaching two, is the very beginning of your child realizing that she is her own, separate person. At the beginning, this can be quite a scary realization! So many strangers! So many people who are not you! Often between 19-22 months, children will get very clingy, suddenly have separation anxiety, and/or be scared of strangers. This is totally normal and doesn't mean that they are "shy;" it's a spiritual awakening. Then, sometime between two and two-and-a-half, your child will start to realize the power of being separate and of having her own opinion, and that's when the "No's" start to come in force.
Mostly, I'd suggest limiting your child's exposure to strangers as much as is practical during this fragile time, all the while knowing that this too shall pass. When you are out and about, or friends come over to visit, if other adults remark how shy she is, just say in a light voice, "Oh, she's just getting used to meeting new people again." If adults are trying to interact with her and she's not going for it, you can ask her if she'd like you to speak for her this time. Usually kids are quite happy to have their loving adult answer for them; you are the shield between her and the big, wide world.

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Meltdowns and Tantrums

2011-04-25T00:53:00.004-06:00

This is the second part of my response to the mom who wrote this letter:
Hi Miss Faith,
I love love your blog and reading it often as I have a newly 3 year old and a 9 month old at home. I have a questing regarding whiny and near constant meltdowns with my 3 year old. We found the 2’s to be very easy, not terrible at all but have found the 3’s to be very challenging so far. She is extremely whiny and almost everything results in meltdowns and tears. I for the first time, am finding myself NOT enjoying my time with her and that makes me sad. Just this morning she didn’t want to get dressed, I gave her a 5 min and a 1 min warning and then when it was time she yelled “no” and cried. Then she said she wanted raisins, I brought them to her and they were the wrong kind, more tears. You get the idea.

I would love any suggestions on how to deal with this and work her through it. Thanks in advance for your thoughts how on how you deal with this type of behavior.

Hi again-

Today I'll write some about dealing with meltdowns and tantrums. I'll talk first about meltdowns from over-stimulation, then I'll get on to what you're talking about in your letter. I've seen a lot of popular literature that suggests walking away, time-outs, taking away toys or privileges, etc. But I don't agree with most of them. I think that meltdowns and tantrums are generally a cry for more support, and so withdrawing your love/attention/support is the last thing that your a child needs. However, "support" can take many different forms, and giving in to children over and over again, or "doing anything" to placate them, is NOT giving support to a child. Supporting them means helping them learn how to regulate themselves and their emotions. So how can you provide the support that a child needs in order to minimize meltdowns and tantrums?

Over-Stimulation Meltdowns

Often, meltdowns and tantrums are a child showing you that he or she is overstimulated, tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. The obvious answer, of course, is to try and keep your child well-rested and well-fed, and don't go to the grocery store right before naptime. However, despite our best efforts, these things happen. If you are out shopping, for example, and you can see a meltdown starting to brew, our instinct is to rush as much as possible, to try and get out before the storm breaks. However, children have a very low tolerance for rushing, especially when they're tired or hungry. Instead, try this: "You look like you're really ready to go. I can see that! You wish we were going home right now. Let's find a quiet place to snuggle for a few minutes." Find a corner or a bench or somewhere where you can take your child onto your lap and just pour some love and support into him. This undivided attention helps your child reconnect with you, and gives him the space he needs to regulate himself. You might tell him how much you love him, or tell him a story about when you were a little girl and used to go shopping with your mom; anything to let him know that all of your attention is on him, and you are there, creating a safe space for him, within your arms. After a few minutes, when you feel him start to relax against you, you can say, "That was a really nice snuggle. In just a minute I'll put you back into the cart, we'll get our last few things, then we'll stand in line, we'll pay for our food, and we'll go out to the car and drive home. Are you ready for that?" By being very specific about how things are going to go, you can help him prepare himself for the rest of the trip. Usually then a child will be ready to face the world again; if he's not, give him a few more minutes of love, with the feeling that there's all the time in the world. When it's actually time to move on, use a nursery rhyme or song for your transition, instead of talking or convincing. I love the rhyme/song "One, two, buckle my shoe," because it's very rhythmic and quite long.

Regular Whininess/Meltdowns

On the other hand, sometimes when a child is going through the process of individuation (like the child of the mother in the letter above), a child can't agree with you on anything. Nothing is right, everything becomes a struggle. In this case, again you want to form a strong, supportive boundary around her, to help her learn to regulate herself.

First, it's good to know that while children are going through growth-spurts they often need more sleep than they needed in the past, so try putting her to bed half an hour earlier.

Next, you want to empathize with her while at the same time teach her how to express her dissatisfaction in a way that is acceptable (this is an important part of self-regulating). Teaching her how to express herself in a way that's acceptable generally involves saying what you wish she were saying, in the tone that you wish she were saying it in. If you remind her that it's time to get dressed and she screams "No!" You might say, "Mom, I'm not ready to get dressed yet." Most of the time, a child will repeat your words, in exactly the tone you use. It's amazing how a child can go from an angry tone to a pleasant one in an instant, through imitation. And it's amazing how well it works. If she doesn't, you can repeat, "You can say, 'Mom, I'm not ready to get dressed yet.'" Don't force her to say it, just let her know what's expected. Most of the time it works, like magic. Then you can respond. "Oh really? It looks like you're having a fun time playing, huh. What are you playing?" Then matter-of-factly start getting out her clothes and help her dress while she's telling you. Children are often fine doing something that they've been saying "no" to, if you just stop talking about it. Remember, children often need your physical/emotional support to do tasks that they are capable of doing alone on their best days, probably until they are five or even later.

When your child asks for something and then it's not what she wanted/expected, there are a couple of things that can help. For example, with the raisins: you offer them, and she cries, "No, no! Not those raisins!" You say, in a pleasant voice, "Mommy, not those raisins, please." She may or may not repeat. You say, "Oh, you want different raisins? Tell me!" She says, "Other raisins." You know that there are no other raisins, but you don't say that. Instead, you say, "I don't know if there are any others. Let's go down and look in the cupboard together." Often, getting a child into motion is enough to diffuse a situation and move out of "No" land. Motion works better than words. But if nothing will soothe her and she begins to cry, don't try explaining. Don't tell her that there are no other raisins, don't tell her that all the raisins are the same, don't try to bribe her with something else. Simply be compassionate. "You wished you could have the raisins you want, but there are none. That's a big disappointment." Give her a hug, and after a moment, move on.

But It's Hard!
Yes, it is absolutely hard work to keep your pleasant demeanor when your child is being whiny, or disrespectful, or demanding, over and over again. It is hard to model the pleasant tone/behavior that you want her to imitate, especially if she's pushing your buttons. So what to do?
One thing I do when a child feels challenging is this: a child exhibits a challenging behavior (such as demanding raisins and then crying because they're not what she wanted). I take a deep breath and imagine stepping backwards into what I refer to as my "Goddess Space." I know/imagine that my back-space is filled with the Goddess spirit, and when I step backwards into it, I reconnect with that energy. When I'm there, I can dis-connect from the things that push my buttons. I don't have to take things personally. From the Goddess Space I can see what this child needs in order to grow, and what kind of support she needs in order to learn to regulate herself. And often, then, I can do it from a place of compassion.

Full-Blown Tantrums

Sometimes, no matter what you do, you can't head off a tantrum. In that case, it's time to step into your Goddess Space again. Again, you want to provide compassionate support for your child. I usually do this in two ways: first, I do it by imagining that I'm setting an energy-field around the child. It is like a soft, firm wall that keeps her safe. Second, I think to her, "I see that you are out of control, but I am here, and I will keep you safe and help you learn how to stay in control of yourself." I don't say this out loud, buy I think it. Then I will sit quietly nearby, thinking these thoughts and waiting for her to calm down enough to be comforted. If the tantrum goes on for more than a few minutes, I can tell that my presence is not calming, so I will go into another room or another part of the room, and begin doing other things. "I'm going to wash the dishes," I'll tell her, "But when you're ready for hugs and kisses, I'll be ready too." Then I'll go and wash the dishes, but I'm still surrounding her with my protective energy. Usually this is enough to help a child begin to calm down. When a child sees that you are calm and supportive even when she is out of control, it helps her feel secure.

Good luck! And don't worry if you can't find that Goddess Space every time. Each new meltdown is a new opportunity to practice it.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Whiny Meltdowns

2011-04-15T16:43:00.003-06:00

Hi Miss Faith,

I love love your blog and reading it often as I have a newly 3 year old and a 9 month old at home. I have a questing regarding whiny and near constant meltdowns with my 3 year old. We found the 2’s to be very easy, not terrible at all but have found the 3’s to be very challenging so far. She is extremely whiny and almost everything results in meltdowns and tears. I for the first time, am finding myself NOT enjoying my time with her and that makes me sad. Just this morning she didn’t want to get dressed, I gave her a 5 min and a 1 min warning and then when it was time she yelled “no” and cried. Then she said she wanted raisins, I brought them to her and they were the wrong kind, more tears. You get the idea.

I would love any suggestions on how to deal with this and work her through it. Thanks in advance for your thoughts how on how you deal with this type of behavior.

Dear Mom,

I'm currently out of town at a conference but will write a full response soon. My experience is that some kids have a hard time at 2, and others have a hard time at 3. It's usually one or the other, but it comes as a rough surprise to the parents of three-year-olds who thought they had gotten through the twos scott-free! So just know that it's part of her process of coming into herself: discovering that she's separate from you, that she has her own opinions, that she suddenly has big feelings but has very little impulse control. I have some ideas of things you can do to help things go more smoothly, but just know that this is probably just as uncomfortable for her as it is for you. Let her know by your attitude and your actions that you have compassion for her in this difficult time, and that you will help her learn to regulate herself so that the two of you can be in loving relationship again, enjoying your time together.

I'll write more later, but I just wanted to give you a first piece to work with. Not an easy piece, but a necessary one! Hang in there, mama! Your sweet girl will return; she just has some important things to learn first.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Dawlding

2011-04-11T20:54:00.003-06:00

Dear Miss Faith,
I've been feeling a little worried about my three-year-old son because I observed him in a gymnastics class recently and while all the girls were following instructions perfectly, he was getting very distracted and off-task. This was right after his preschool teacher told me that he dawdles a lot more than the other kids. So I'm just looking for some perspective on whether he is a normal 3 year old boy or whether he is a little more distracted than others and if so, what help does he need now to intervene early. It's been on my mind. He has some mild sensory-integration issues but I don't know if that's related or not.
Thanks, J.A.

Dear J.A.,

I definitely suggest that you trust your instincts on this. If you're feeling uncomfortable enough to write this, it certainly wouldn't hurt anything to have him evaluated. If the experts watch him and say he's normal, you can really breathe easy. And if they say he's borderline and give you some suggestions on ways to support him, that will be helpful too. Early targeted intervention can really help kids to round out their development so that potential problems are nipped in the bud.

On the other hand, dawdling and getting distracted are VERY normal activities for a three-year-old. Even if he's dreamier than other kids his age, that doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with him. Some kids are just dreamier than others. However, since you mention that he has some sensory integration issues as well, it wouldn't hurt to have an expert weigh in on the issue. In the meantime, there are some things you can do.

In terms of dawdling, here are some techniques I use all the time: Ask him to do something once: "Please take your shoes off." If he doesn't do it, look over and say, "Oh, do you need some help getting your shoes off?" Sometimes that's enough to get them moving. If not, go over and say, "Let's do it together. First, open the velcro." If he doesn't reach down to open the velcro, take his hand and wrap his fingers around the velcro. Give him a chance to pull, then wrap your hand around his and get his fingers to pull. So you're really helping HIM to do it, you're not doing it for him. Likewise, if it's time to get ready to go, you ask him to go get his coat once, then say, "Oh, do you need help getting your coat?" Then you take him by the hand and go over together. When you're standing right in front of it, say, "Where is your coat?" If he doesn't get it, take his hand and put it up to get the coat. It's energy-intensive, but if you do it for a few weeks, he might start to wake up to doing things a bit.

Another idea is to start playing rule-following games, like Simon Says. As he gets better at it, start issuing two-part commands: "Simon says, go stand by a lamp and put your hands on your head." And then even more complex: "Simon says, find a cushion and put it on the coffee table, then sit on the couch." If you son is capable of doing things but is easily distracted, these rule-following games can be very helpful to get him into the habit of doing what you ask him to, and promptly! Make it fun and engaging, so that following your instructions has positive feelings associated with it. Another rule-following game is "Red-Light Green-Light," where kids run when you say "Green Light!" but have to stop immediately when you say "Red Light!" (for three-year-olds, you might want to run and stop with them until they really get the hang of it). A third game is "Mother May I," but that might be too advanced for little ones.

A very simple rule-following game I play at the table if we're waiting for kids to finish washing hands or waiting for the meal goes like this: Sing, "Ten little fingers, they all belong to me/They can do so many things, would you like to see?" Then I make up things for the kids to do. "Who can put their hands on their head? Who can wiggle their ears? Who can touch the tip of their nose? Oh, Sylvia can! Julie can! Look, everybody can! Who can cover their mouth? Who can stroke their hair?" etc. etc. If you want to make it even more direct practice for rule-following, you might phrase it like this: "Please put your hands on your head. Thank you! Please wiggle your ears. Thank you!" These 'requests' are likely to get giggles from your kids, so you can enjoy yourselves while kids are learning to do what you ask.

Warmly,

Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Being Your Best Self

2011-04-07T22:47:00.004-06:00

We all want to be our Best Selves for the children we care for. Certainly because this would create the best possible environment for our little ones, but also because when we're our Best Selves, we enjoy our lives more.
In a perfect world, it seems like we’d be able to be our best selves all the time. We’d go gracefully through the day, and nothing would faze us. We’d know when to be firm and when to be flexible, we wouldn't lose our tempers when our little boy poops in his pants for the fourth day in a row, right when that baby’s supposed to go down for her nap. We’d be fresh and gracious when our partner gets home from work, and when he asks what we did today, we’d have a list as long as our arm of things we’d accomplished. Right?

Well, only maybe. Actually, I’m going to go ahead and say No, that’s not what Being Your Best Self is about. Because if that IS what it’s about, what can we do except feel perpetually guilty about not being as good as we imagine that we could or should be? Instead, let’s put aside this mythical person who never messes up, who doesn’t get annoyed and who never loses their cool. Instead, let’s make this about us, and who we are, wherever we are right now in our lives.

So, how do we work on Being Our Best Selves, from where we are right now?

The first, and perhaps most important piece, is this: WHAT CHILDREN NEED IS NOT TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO IS PERFECT AS A ROLE MODEL, BUT TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO IS STRIVING TO BETTER HERSELF (OR HIMSELF).

When our children see us striving to be better, they also can strive to be better. This means making mistakes, then trying to learn from them. This means having to learn the same lessons over and over again, just like our children do. That’s part of what it is to be human. But when we come in with the attitude of, ‘Next time I’ll do better’ that is what can really be life-changing to our children. This act of striving is a huge piece of Being Our Best Selves for our children.

A mentor of mine told me and a group of women a story about this: she said that when she was a young mother, she and her husband had wanted things to be perfect for their kids. With this in mind, they never argued in front of their children. But then when their children grew up and embarked on serious romantic relationships of their own, they thought that if they argued, they had blown the whole relationship, or that it must be a ‘bad’ relationship. They had never seen their parents disagree on anything, and therefore they had never seen a model of how to argue in a healthy way so that both parties could benefit and grow.

I’m not saying that it’s a great idea to fight in front of your kids all the time, but what I’m saying is that it’s not only OK to be human, it’s preferable to be human! Life is full of disappointments and mistakes and times when you don’t do as well as you might have done. Teaching our children how to recover from mistakes, how to apologize when we don’t handle things well, how to pick up the pieces and keep moving, with the attitude of “Next time I bet I’ll do better,” this is what can truly help our kids, and ourselves.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Daily Rhythm

2011-04-02T21:54:00.002-06:00

Having a strong rhythm to your day helps your day go more smoothly and more enjoyably for you and for your kids. Every teacher and daycare provider knows this, because if they don't have a strong rhythm, everything turns into mayhem! But for parents, it can be much harder to see the benefits of the work it takes to establish a rhythm. Many parents kind of limp along, not enjoying their days but making it through. I had one family with a 3 1/2 year old boy, and the parents complained about how strong-willed and stubborn he was. When I tried to suggest that rhythm would make their lives easier, they only saw it as limiting and constraining. As a result, they spent a lot of time 'convincing' their son that it was time to do this or that. Then they visited a brother and sister-in-law with three children, and a strong routine. Their son fell into this other family's rhythm without a peep. Suddenly he went from being contentious at every turn, to being easygoing and go-with-the-flow. They could hardly believe it! They came back from vacation raving about their experience, and determined to set up rhythms in their own home. But how does one go about getting started on something like that?

Anchor Points

   If you're just working to create rhythm, start with your 'anchor points.' The anchor points of rhythm are sleeping and eating. Be aware that these are the anchors of your day, and do your best to have them be as regular as possible. For example, it can be tempting to push naptime back if your child doesn't seem sleepy and you could just swing by the post-office on the way home from the grocery store...but try to resist the impulse. The more regular you are with naptimes and bedtimes, the more your child's rhythms will 'set' to those times, and the easier it will be to get him down. Same with meals! Another anchor point in your day should be going outside together, to play in the yard, take a walk, or go to the park. Morning is the best time
for this, as kids have lots of big energy in the morning. So try and make going outside every morning part of your routine. If you have a high-energy kid, go outside in the afternoon as well.
   Next, think about the beginning and end of each anchor point. The more you can set up little rituals (doing things the same way each time), the stronger your rhythm will be. So for instance, you might take five minutes whenever he wakes up to sit with him in a cozy spot and snuggle with him and brush his hair, then go straight to the table for a snack. If he's not hungry right upon waking, you could get dressed first. Some kids do best eating right away or they get grumpy, some kids wake up more slowly. But whatever you do, do it as regularly as possible.
   Third, incorporate songs and nursery rhymes into your rhythm. Children love knowing how things go, and having a certain song that's associated with a certain activity can let your child know exactly
where things are at. You don't have to have a great singing voice; they will love it no matter what! So, give it some thought. You might say rhythmically, "Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross to see what dear Alex will buy...A penny white bun and a penny white cake, and a two-penny apple pie" whenever it's time to go to the table for meal or a snack. You might say, "Shoe a little horse! Shoe a little mare! But little Stephie's feet go bare-bare-bare! No...(shake your head)...where ARE your shoes?" every time it's time to get shoes on. You might make up a little song for getting dressed in the morning, to the tune of "The Farmer In the Dell:" "One arm in the hole, the other arm in the hole, then your head goes in the hole and now you have your shirt!" Then pants, then socks, etc. Make up your own words to any tune you know, but sing them the same every time you do it, and your children will feel secure that they know how things go.  One great resource for songs and rhymes like these is the book/cd combo "Sing A Song With Baby," available here.

One Sample Day
So, if you just start with those pieces, you're well on your way to having a solid rhythm going. Eventually, your day might look something like this:
You hear him stirring, and you walk into his room, singing softly: "good morning, good morning, good morning dear Alex." You pick him up and say, "Hi, sleepy-head! Did you have a good sleep?" Take him
downstairs and pick up his brush, then sit in your special chair and brush his hair. After a few minutes, take him to the kitchen, saying "Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross...." and put him in his chair, getting him some
breakfast. After breakfast, get dressed together, then come downstairs and get shoes and jacket on and go straight outside for at least half an hour, but preferably more like an hour. If you have a high-energy kid, go on a 15-20 minute walk around your neighborhood, having your child run from one 'station' to the next: "OK, the next station will be the fire hydrant. Ready, Steady, Go!!!!" Then he has to stay touching the fire hydrant until you arrive, and tell him the next one. After outdoor play, have a little snack (outside if the weather is nice) and get into the car and run whatever errands you have that day. Come back home and eat a hearty lunch, then do some quiet housework together, washing the breakfast and lunch dishes, folding the laundry, etc. until it's time for nap. During naptime either nap with him, or make your phone calls and do your computer work, as these are things that it's hard for kids to tolerate much of. After nap you brush his hair and give him a snack, then let him play while you're doing your own things that you can stop-and-start (paying bills, checking email, etc.). You check in and out with him as he needs, being able to put down whatever you're doing for a few minutes to play peekaboo one time, read a story another time, always being available, but always being drawn back to your tasks. When you can tell he needs more than just a minute or two of interaction, put aside your work and spend 15-30 minutes doing some sort of activity with him: coloring, baking, going outside again if the weather is nice. Come back in and have another snack if needed, then start getting the dinnertime meal ready, talking to him and interacting with him as you do, giving him
nibbles of things, or just letting him play on his own if he wishes. Dad comes home, spends a little time unwinding, and the three of you eat dinner together. After dinner you and baby, or dad and baby, head upstairs for a bath, then put on pajamas, brush teeth, and dad comes up to read a story and tuck him in. Sleep tight!

Extra Tips
   Think about the non-kid-activities you have during the day, and how to weave them in most successfully. Try running errands in the morning when he has lots of energy, but after outside play so he's already gotten to run alot. Make your phone calls while he's sleeping, because it's hard for kids to have attention away from them for so long. Do your desk-work in the afternoons while he's happy to play
quietly while you're around, and can pay him attention as needed. Afternoons are also a nice time for household chores, if you can save your desk-work for after he's in bed. If you do the same sorts of
tasks in the same parts of the day, your son will start knowing that that's how it goes, and everything can go that much more smoothly. Now, it might be that your son doesn't do well running errands in the morning, because he needs to be more physically active then. Maybe he does better in the afternoons. But maybe he doesn't do so well in the afternoons, because he needs quiet space and to not feel rushed. You
will have to figure out what is best for you and your kids. Enjoy!

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Sign Up for Next Joyful Days Tele-Class

2011-03-25T13:37:00.003-06:00

Hi Everyone,
   If you sign up by March 31st, you can get the introductory rate $150 for the six-week tele-class Joyful Days with Toddlers and Preschoolers! Starting in April the fee will go up to $220. The inaugural class is still ongoing, and so far it has been a great success. Here's what current participants are saying:

"I can't tell you how much I appreciate this class. It truly has done wonders for our family and for me as a mom. The tips have been amazing and even just the act of being on the calls calms me. My husband has noticed a big difference with me and with the boys... I got more than I imagined I would have gotten [from this class]."
   -C.L., mother of 2

"Every week has given me new ideas to try and made me more mindful of all the elements that go into this work...Love your teaching, the three layers of: watch the video, hear your comments on it and live question session, followed by written thoughts, and follow-ups to specific questions, it really creates a rich texture to the class."
   -H.C., mother of 2 and Parent/Tot teacher

"I am sooooo happy with this class!! And so grateful for all that you are sharing with us. I can't tell you how many jems I have already taken from this course. I want to say so much more but nap time is almost over!!! I think 'I love it' and 'thank you' sums it up."

-T.H., mother of 3 and home-daycare provider

The class consists of weekly conference calls, watching and discussing videos from my own home daycare, Rainbow Bridge (see an example to the right), weekly readings and optional assignments on the online discussion group. All calls are recorded for those who can't make it. Choose Tuesday calls (6:30-7:45pm Mountain Time) starting June 21, or Sunday calls (2-3:15pm Mountain Time) starting June 26. Click on the tab above titled "Classes with Miss Faith" for more info. Email to reserve your spot, faithrainbow@yahoo.com

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Smooth & Easy Transitions

2011-03-22T20:47:00.004-06:00

Usually we think of transitions as something that must be done in order to get to something else, but very young children don’t think this way and can’t think this way. Young children live in the moment. So in order to have transitions go smoothly and enjoyably, change your view so that each transition is an activity in its own right, with a beginning, a middle and an end. Think of it as a structured activity like circle-time. It doesn’t happen in a ring, but it’s a series of actions to be done together, with song and verse. It should be just as structured and just as enjoyable for the kids.

Here are the steps that I use to make a transition go smoothly:
1. Get everything you need ready before you start, so that children can be in motion the entire time (no waiting). So this means, get handwashing stuff ready before you start tidying up to come to a meal. In fact, we get our end-of-meal handwashing ready before we even start cleaning up from free-play, so that it’s a smooth transition from play to eating to cleaning up from a meal. Think ahead!

2. Use songs during transitions. This makes a HUGE difference! Songs are really useful because they let a child know what's coming, without all the talking. You don't have to be a great singer for these, just use songs you remember from your childhood, or take the tunes of songs you know and add simple words. To the tune of "Twinkle twinkle little star" you could sing, "Find your shoes and put them on, find your shoes and put them on." You may use several songs, one for the start of the transition, and one for the end. It's useful to use the same song each time for the same task, so that kids really get the hang of what happens when a certain song is sung.

3. Give individual tasks. Giving tasks that children can accomplish is important. First of all it keeps children engaged in what's going on. For instance, giving them something to carry out to the car when you’re going somewhere makes it much more likely that they'll walk straight to the car, instead of getting distracted on the way. But even more important, it allows the child to contribute to the process. It goes more smoothly because he’s helping you. You’re doing it together.

4. Keep things moving. Start the process with some sort of fun thing that gets your child moving (a little game, or putting something in its place), then keep them moving smoothly then entire time. So, start with tidying up, but then move seamlessly into getting ready to go outside. Don't stop and talk about it, just do it. Children will be swept up in the movement of it and will most likely follow your lead. Children do best when they're in motion, so think of the entire transition process as a dance where you walz from one thing to the next. If you do things in this way, once you get a child to stop his play, you can tidy up, get a fresh diaper, change the laundry, and get out the door. If you have each step prepared, involve him in each step (give him individual tasks), use song and verse, and keep things moving, it will probably go well. Better than breaking him away from his play four separate times, by far!

An Example

So, using all of these tricks, getting yourself and your toddler out the door in the morning might look like this: While he’s eating breakfast, you get everything you’ll need to take with you and put it by the door. You also put his hat and his jacket on a little changing chair. When you see that he’s about done with breakfast you sing out, “Last little nibbles!” Before you get him out of his high chair, you get a warm washcloth and sing, “Wipe wipe wipe! Wipe your face. Wipe wipe wipe! Wipe your hand. Wipe wipe wipe! You are clean.” Then you lift him down, and give him his bowl to take to the kitchen. You lift him up so he can set it on the counter, then immediately let him know it’s time to go get shoes on by saying, “Cockadoodle doo, my dame has lost her shoe! My master’s lost his fiddle-stick and knows not what to do! Where are YOUR shoes?” As he runs over to them (or as you carry him over, if he’s not cooperating), you repeat the nursery rhyme at least two more times as he sits down in the changing chair. He knows how things go, so he immediately starts trying to put his hat on. I usually do hat first, then shoes, then jacket last (if it’s wintertime, hat first, then snowpants, then boots, then mittens, then jacket. If you put mittens on first, they’re nicely tucked into the jacket sleeves). Then get your own shoes and jacket on, and pick up your bags. Take out one thing and say, “We’re ready to go! I’ll carry the diaper bag. Will you carry this for me please?” and then you walk out together. As you’re walking from the house to the door, you have another song that you sing: this one a railroad song. “I’ve been working on the railroad, all the livelong day…” This is a long song, and it lasts the entire time as you get him into his car-seat.

If you have everything ready to go before you start, if you keep moving from one activity to the next (finishing breakfast to putting on shoes to walking out the door), if you use song and verse as you go, and you give individual tasks, then you can have a smooth and easy transition.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Responding to Drama

2011-03-16T23:59:00.002-06:00

Dear Miss Faith,
   I have two daughters, four-and-a-half and two-and-a-half. Whenever my littler one takes something, or 'hurts' my older daughter she is very dramatic in her response. She makes it seem like it's the end of the world! Any suggestions for being compassionate, but not encouraging such a reaction? Is there any way to discourage it?
Thank, K.L.

Dear K.L.,
   First, cue your older daughter to say something more appropriate to the little one: "You can tell her, 'please don't hit me!'" And really start working with your little one on listening to requests to stop (see my last post on social interactions). Your older daughter may not feel like she needs to put up such a show if it's clear that you're helping the little one learn how to act appropriately and that it's not "all right" just because she's little; she's learning how to touch with gentle hands!
   In the meantime, how to react to your daughters reactions. Our tendency is to tell her to stop over-reacting, or to minimize what happened to show her how unimportant it was, but I suspect that the more you try to minimize it, the louder she gets. In my experience, kids are often overly dramatic for two reasons:
first, they want more attention from you, or second, they have a melancholic temperament. Or both. If a child is simply wanting more attention from you, you can give it to them in a way that still empowers them to solve the issues on their own, by using humor. If your two-year-old hits your four-year-old and your older child starts wailing, "She hit me!" You can respond by going WAY over the top. "Oh no! Stop right there! Are you bleeding???? Don't move, don't move. I'll call the ambulance right away!!!" This allows her to
suddenly become the "bigger" person and tell you that it's really not so bad. Or she just starts laughing and is distracted, which is also fine. If your two-year-old "ruins" the older child's drawing, you might look at her tragically. "Ohhhhh nnnnooooo. That is now ruined for good. We'll have to get a coffin and bury it in the back yard, don't you think?" Really play it up for her.

   On the other hand, your child might be over-reacting because she has a melancholic temperament. Melancholics feel things very deeply. They have a strong sense of justice, and they feel any perceived injustice very deeply. If this is your child, she will NOT like it when you use humor. In that case, she's getting loud because what she wants from you is understanding. Instead of trying to minimize or distract, let
her know that you really understand. "Wow. You were just sitting there and little Addie came up and hit you. That's no fair! YOU know that hitting's not allowed, but she's too little and she just hit
you!" Look right into her eyes, and ask sincerely, "Are you ok?" It makes no difference that you know that she couldn't possibly have been hurt. When you show your understanding of the injustice of it all, she can relax again, and nod. "Oh, I'm SO glad," you say, giving her a hug. "Addie is lucky to have a big sister like you, who knows how things should be." If your bigger kid is up for it, you might even 'brainstorm' with her. "What should we do to help her learn?" If she doesn't have any ideas, you could chip in, "I know! If you are playing with something and she comes up, you cold give her another toy so she doesn't try to take yours! Do you think that would work?" In this way, you can help give her some ideas of other ways to react.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

The Foundation of Social Interactions

2011-03-14T10:32:00.004-06:00

The foundation of positive social interactions between children is to teach them to notice how other children are receiving their actions, and to listen to each others' requests.

Noticing How Others React
The first piece of this is to help youngsters start to notice both positive and negative responses to their actions. This is especially important when children are touching one another, as it's often hard for young kids to realize what the results of their actions will be, especially the under-twos, who often like the feeling of grabbing or hitting. I know one little boy who always wanted to hug his friends, but it often turned into a death-grip, leading the recipient of the hug to struggle, and both children fall down. He wanted to connect with others but doesn't know how. I worked with him for a long time, teaching him to do a quick hug-and-release. When he was successful, I'd say, “Look, she's smiling! She liked that!” Or, if it went on too long, I'd say, “Oh no. She's pushing you away. She's saying, 'please stop.'” Eventually, he was able to notice on his own whether others liked it, and others were able to say "please stop" on her own.
Note: this technique for death-grip-hugs will only work if what he's wanting is connection. If what he's actually wanting is physical stimulation, it's much more effective to pick him up and spin him around, hang him upside-down, or lay him on the floor and roll him over and over across the room. That way he can get what he's looking for from someone who is enjoying the interaction.

Listening to Requests
The other piece to the foundation of positive social interactions is to make sure that children respond to their friends' requests. The biggest piece of this is to listen for whenever a child is saying “Stop,” and make sure that the other child stops. At Rainbow Bridge, STOP MEANS TAKE YOUR HANDS AWAY. So, I keep my ears sharply tuned, and whenever I hear someone saying 'stop' (or preferably, 'please stop'), I'll turn around and watch. If the child doesn't stop, I'll move in and say, “Oh! I hear Jessie saying stop!” Then, if they don't stop, I'll remind them, “stop means take your hands away.” And, if they still can't do it, “It looks like you need some help taking your hands away,” and I'll help them. There doesn't have to be any blame, it's just them learning to follow the rules, just like any other rules, such as staying at the table while we're eating, or only going downstairs with an adult.

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Bullying/Sibling Rivalry

2011-03-09T21:14:00.006-07:00

Dear Miss Faith,
I am looking for suggestions to help with some fairly severe sibling rivalry. This is a preschool-aged old boy towards his young-toddler sister, in a family which I visit with regularly and care about deeply. Thank you, M.
Dear M,
How frustrating for you to see two children you care about being unkind! Kudos to you for looking to take some action to help this family. When you are with the children, are the parents present or not present? Are they at your house, or are you at their house? These things will all come into play. One book I like a lot is "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Is it possible for mom (and/or you) to spend some time with each child alone every few days or at least each week?
For short-term strategy, here are some ideas; you can announce one day that there is a new rule in your house: everyone must touch with gentle hands. Show everyone what touching with gentle hands means (at Rainbow Bridge it means kind of stroking your friends on the arm), and have everyone practice. "Yes, that's it! Now you know how to touch with gentle hands!" Notice out loud anytime you see someone touching someone else gently. And if anyone forgets to touch with gentle hands, show sadness that they forgot, and send them immediately to get the Healing Stone (or the Healing Cloth, or an ice pack, or whatever you wish; keep it in a special place that only comes out when someone gets hurt), and touch it to the child who is hurt. Then find some good work for those hands: tidying some blocks, wiping the table, etc. You do this "good work" with him, then thank him for his help, give him a hug, and he can go play again. It's not a punishment, it's just helping him learn what is appropriate to do with his hands.

In long-term strategy, you want to be calling out the archetype of the Knight in this little boy: someone who is strong and good, and who helps those who are weaker than he is. You might start telling a story about a boy who wants to be a knight when he grows up, but nobody thinks he could be. But he knows he can do it. He starts exploring what a knight is like, and doing all the things a knight does. First he works to become very strong, then he starts to rescue people and animals who needed help, and finally he starts to help all those who are smaller and weaker than he is. Everyone starts to wonder at the changes that have come. Maybe he could become a knight after all! Then one day when he's helping someone, the King happens to see it, and he calls the boy to him and honors him, and makes him into a Knight-in-Training. You could either do this as one story that you tell again and again, or you could make it an ongoing story, that starts out the same way each time (introducing the boy and his desires) and telling a different "adventure" each time of how he helps someone, and this could go on for several months before the King ever notices him.

In the meantime, start asking more from this little boy, and call out the best in him. Ask him to help you with things, then ask him to do tasks for you while your hands are full but you're watching, and finally start asking him to help other children when the children ask you for help. Notice how strong he is, how helpful he is, and start appreciating those traits in him. If he starts having a new image to live into, he might be able to start moving away from being the Bad Big Brother who everyone is angry at all the time.

It can be so hard to turn things around when we get stuck in negative patterns, so be patient and tenacious. And good luck!

Warmly,

Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

End of Meal Transition

2011-03-07T20:15:00.004-07:00

Dear Miss Faith,
I run a small home daycare, and a difficult time for me is clearing the table after a meal. Do you have the kids clear their bowls or empty extra food into the compost?  My children excuse themselves when finished and leave their items on the table to be cleared and then washed by myself and any child who wants to help. I'd like to have a clearing/composting process, but the sink is often not ready for dishes, and we do the dishes in wash tubs on the table anyway....any suggestions? I'd love to know what you do with your children.
Thanks so much, Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
   There are lots of different things you can do to help smooth things out at the end of a meal. At Rainbow Bridge, we do things differently at the end of lunch than we do for the snack after naptime, for example. Lunch is the big meal of the day that is also a social time, so everyone stays at the table while the candle is lit, until the meal is done. At the end of the meal I'll sing, "Last little nibbles," then "Last sips of water." I'll blow out the candle and put washtubs on the table, and children put their bowls, cups and spoons in the washtubs. Then I pass out a wet warm washcloth to each child, and we play a fun little game with wiping our hands, faces, and the table in front of us. One game that the children love is "questions," where we all hold the washcloths up against our mouths, and the children suggest questions for me to ask. The answer to these questions is always "no," so everyone shakes their heads while holding the cloths still, effectively wiping their mouths. Questions range from "Will we wear our bathing suits to play out in the snow?" to "Is my house made of cheese?" Then cloths go in a bowl and children push their chairs in. A washcloth for each child definitely increases the laundry load, but it's well worth it in my opinion.
   When my mom is in charge of a meal, she excuses each child by bringing out Redbird (a wool bird on a string, held by a stick), and children make a 'nest' with their hands for redbird to land in. Once Redbird lands in a child's 'nest' he may leave the table.
   When I worked at Boulder Waldorf Kindergarten, children scraped their bowls into the compost before they put them in a washtub. This was a fairly energy-intensive activity for the adults, and success depends on having a good traffic pattern from the table to the compost bucket to the washtub. The compost bucket also can't be too small!
   For the snack after naptime, things are much looser. Children eat as they wake up, and when they are done they take their bowls to the counter and go into the playroom to play. If they've spilled (it's usually apple sauce or yoghurt) they get a cloth and wipe it up.
   So, there are different ways to do it, and different meals can have different levels of formality. Since your children are excused from the table as they finish, it seems they could easily take their bowls to the counter, or to a washtub if the counter is too high. I knew one LifeWays caregiver who had very little ones. She would excuse them one by one and have them come stand in front of her, and she would wipe their face and brush off their clothes before they left the eating area. It was a fairly slow process, but the children clearly enjoyed getting that snippet of direct personal attention.
   I hope these ideas get your creative juices flowing, and good luck!
Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Practical Tips on "Life"

2011-03-03T09:51:00.001-07:00

So what can we do, as parents and caregivers, to ensure that these household tasks foster connection, foster competence, and foster the children's ability to contribute? What can we do to help tasks go smoothly, so that we don't feel frazzled as we try to incorporate children into the neverending tasks of housework? It turns out there are lots of things we can do:

Slow Down! Take your time with each task. Make each task an activity that's worthwhile for its own sake, taking special care with the daily tasks. Approach each one with respect and enjoyment. When you rush, children tend to steer clear and try to stay out of your way, or they try to pull your attention away from your task and onto them, to get you to stop rushing. When you slow down and take your time, you have enough attention for the task and the child at the same time, and children will want to join in with you.
Develop a rhythm. By rhythm, I mean to do things in the same way, at the same time, as often as you can. I fold laundry each day during free-play time. It gives me something to do so that I can be present and watch children play without being directly involved unless I'm needed. And I love to brush the children's hair after naptime. What a lovely way to bond with each child as we engage in bodily care. Children are used to me doing these tasks at these times; it's an accepted part of our lives together.
The other piece of rhythm is that when we do things the same way each time, children can learn that skill. Children learn through imitation. If you have any doubts on this score, read this article from Science Daily, titled “Humans Appear to Be Hardwired to Learn By 'Over-Imitation.'” What it shows is that children do things the way we do them. Even if we tell them to do it differently, they will still do things the way we do them. So think carefully about HOW you're doing things, the attitude that you bring to each activity. This attitude is picked up by the children as well.
Use songs. Songs are a great way to connect with children, and they are also a great way to help kids track where in the process you are. I have a song for washing the table, for sweeping the floor, for folding the laundry. I also use songs for repetitive tasks like passing things out to each child, or if we're taking turns stirring the bowl, etc., each child gets to stir for the duration of a short song. In addition, I'll also hum while I am doing a task by myself. I find that when I hum I slow down myself, and the children all around me settle down. I think when they hear me humming, they feel like I'm right there with them, even if I'm not looking at them or interacting with them. It allows my presence to fill the room and children can rest secure that I'm there with them and not distracted by other things. You don't have to be a "good" singer for this to feel fulfilling for children.
Set yourself up for success. By this I mean, figure out how kids can be involved, and be prepared. Most of the tasks I do while the children are playing, and children can join me or not, as they choose (although if a child is having trouble being gentle with others, we'll find some good work for those hands to do and they stay by my side until they are ready to try being gentle again). But when I go to wash a table, I'll bring two extra washcloths with me, and as I start to sing my table-washing song, children might come over and ask to help, and I have a cloth right there. Other tasks I know will be very popular, such as baking, so I gather all of the materials together before we get started, so that things can go smoothly. Another thing that helps things go smoothly, especially if you're alone, is to have an easy exit. If you and another child are washing dishes together but a tussle breaks out in the play-room, I'll lift the child down from the sink, pull the chair away, and ask them to sit on the chair until I get back.
Appreciate effort over results. Young children are process-oriented, not results-oriented. While washing dishes, a two-and-a-half year old will often happily wash the same spoon the entire time you're washing dishes. When we appreciate their effort and acknowledge their desire to contribute, then the activity feels fulfilling for the young child. Be sincere and genuine with your praise, and don't over-do it. An appreciative smile with eye contact during the act, and a “Thank you for your help” when they run off to play, can be quite enough. The results will come over time.
Appreciating effort over results doesn't mean just letting them do whatever they want, however they want. They are learning these tasks at your side. So if your two-year-old wants to throw the laundry around instead of folding it, you can show him how to help you smooth each piece as you fold it. Only fold a little bit of laundry at a time, so that you can finish each bit together, then put them out of the way so the task won't be undone. With practice, he'll get the hang of it, and so will you!

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

What I mean by "Life"

2011-03-01T15:43:00.001-07:00

In my last post I talked about Life As the Curriculum, and why children really feel fulfilled by helping with household tasks. So what do I mean by "Life?" There are several layers of “Life” as I see it, that combine to form a rich day (and a rich life!) if they are done with attention, reverence, and spaciousness:

Daily Tasks. These include preparing meals, setting the table, cleaning up from meals, sweeping the floors, washing the dishes, making your beds after naptime, etc. In addition to these, there are the tasks of self-care that make up a big part of “life:” dressing and undressing, brushing hair and teeth, diapering and pottying. We can use these times of bodily care not just as tasks to be done, but as special times to connect, and to allow children to gain competence. When they are able to do them alone, they will be contributing in a very real way. I love to brush the children's hair when they wake up from their nap. I make it very sweet and special, and everyone looks forward to it. I had one little girl who was with me for two years, and when her family moved away her mother said with real regret, “I think the thing I will miss the most is your hair-brushing.”
Weekly Tasks. Depending on how many children you care for, laundry might be daily, weekly, or twice-weekly. Baking (either bread or muffins) is a lovely weekly task. Fridays are nice for 'cleaning day' where you can wash the windows together, 'mop' the kitchen floors with damp rags, shine wooden toys and furniture with beeswax wood polish, sort through any piles of stuff like lost-and-found clothing, etc. I have a basket where I'll put any broken toys I find, and every third or fourth friday I'll bring it down and see what I can fix.
Seasonal Tasks. This is the part of “Life” that I love the most, and it's what keeps me from getting bored with life as the curriculum. Seasonal tasks often center around food and holidays, although not exclusively. Springtime tasks might include preparing the garden and planting the seeds, fixing or replacing any outdoor toys that didn't make it through the winter, planting wheat grass indoors and decorating eggs if you celebrate easter, making gifts for Mother's Day (this can take quite awhile and be a task that you work on most days over a period of time). Stories about the plants and the animals experiencing Spring are soaked right up, especially as you start to notice birds building their nests, and the squirrels playing with renewed vigor. In the summertime we start to see the fruits of our labors in the garden. We make grape juice from the grapes, collect plums and make them into jam (we cooked them and strained them together, but I did the canning in the evening after everyone was gone), and did lots of other things. Each season has its own activities.
Making Things. Making things that you'll use is a great part of “Life” for children. Often these are tasks that children simply watch, but you'll see it come out in their play again and again. For instance, one winter I crocheted a dozen bibs so we'd have enough between loads of laundry. And when the latch on our fence broke, I got a board which the bigger kids and I sawed in half together, then everyone got to help sand it, and a few lucky kids got to help paint them a rich blue. They watched as I painted silver stars on myself, then sealed it, screwed the new latch on, and then we attached it to the gate. The whole process took about a week, and at the end we had a beautiful new latch for our gate which the children and I were both proud of. These practical activities are “Life” at its best for young children!

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Life As the Curriculum

2011-02-26T13:44:00.004-07:00

This is an excerpt from a piece I wrote for my teleclass, Joyful Days with Toddlers! The Sunday class is completely full, but there are still two slots in the Tuesday class if you're interested. It starts this Tuesday, March 1st 2011, and calls are from 6:30-7:45pm Mountain Time. Please email me if you'd like one of those two spots at faithrainbow@yahoo.com

People often think they have to have a “curriculum” to be teaching the children things, or they feel guilty because they don't have a formal curriculum. Curriculum subjects I've seen have ranged from numbers, colors and letters, to subjects such as germs or pirates. However, it seems to me that 'teaching' things like colors is silly, because they'll learn it anyhow, and subjects like germs and pirates don't relate to their lives at all.

What I am here to suggest is that young children really learn all they “should” be learning through their own play and through watching and participating in the daily tasks that go into running a household. Gross motor skills come from putting things on a shelf or rolling dough with a rolling pin; fine motor skills come from decorating bread with raisins or folding a washcloth. Sorting skills are developed unloading the silverware from the dishwasher, or sorting laundry. Vocabulary skills, taking directions, and working cooperatively are all developed listening to you as you help them master these skills.

However, I would even go a step further and suggest that using our daily tasks as the curriculum is MORE effective for teaching skills and ideas than designing a bunch of activities and games around a theme. There are several reasons for this.

Why Daily Tasks are Fulfilling to Children

I very firmly believe that everyone in this world wants to feel connected, to feel that they are competent, that they are contributing. When I think about my own life, all of the parts that feel the best revolve around me feeling connected, or feeling competent, or feeling like I'm contributing. In fact, that's why I love working in early childhood, because I get to do all three of those things simultaneously.

Think about your own life for a moment: what have been the highlights? What times have you felt the most alive, the most vibrant? And think about it through this lens I've given you. Were you feeling connected, competent, or like you were contributing, during those times? If not those things, what were you feeling that made them especially great?

Now think about the young children in your life. We all know how important it is for children to be connected: lots of research has been done on the importance of attachment. And children spend enormous amounts of time practicing being competent. As they learn to walk, they fall over and get up again and again and again. As soon as they learn to talk, the phrase “me do dat” is often the most common to come out of their mouths. We often don't let them try things for themselves as long as they'd wish, because we're in a hurry, or we can see that they won't be successful, but most of us understand and value their striving for competence. But how about the desire to contribute? That is not something that most of us think about in relation to young children, even though we can see how their faces light up when they are able to do so. Read this article from the science section of the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/01/science/01human.html?_r=1 ). Studies are showing that children may be born with an innate desire to help.

As parents and caretakers in our culture, it's easy for us to recognize the desire for connection, and we work very hard to develop it. In fact, we often work so hard at developing the connection piece of things that we sometimes unconsciously cut off our children's abilities to be competent and to contribute: we love them so much that we want to do everything for them. Our own desires to be competent and to contribute to them leave no room for them to be able to contribute in a meaningful way.

By consciously setting Life as the platform for children children to learn skills and ideas, we are giving them the chance to develop true competence, as we do these tasks day after day after day. As their skills develop, they know that they are really contributing to the household. And your gratitude for their help (especially as they get better at it!) helps you connect.

My article goes on to look at how we can do this effectively, with practical tips and suggestions. During the conference call I will show video footage of children helping me with laundry, washing dishes, brushing hair, and baking bread.

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

The Value of Saying "No"

2011-02-21T09:51:00.004-07:00

One thing that dramatically affects how much we enjoy the company of a child is how they react when they ask for something and are told “no.” Being able to handle disappointment gracefully is a very advanced skill, and one that doesn't necessarily come easily or naturally. Nevertheless, having that skill is something that will really serve these little people as they go through life, and will make our enjoyment of them that much richer. So what can we do as parents and caregivers to help children develop this skill?

Avoiding "No"

Children under two (or even 2 ½) have very little control over their emotions. So the best thing you can do is to avoid establishing negative patterns of tantrums, whining, etc. that will be hard to break when they're older. Ironically, one of the best ways to do this is to avoid saying “no” as much as possible. One of your biggest tools in this area will be to have a strong daily rhythm. When kids know exactly how things will go, they are much less likely to resist what's going on or want something different.

Even with a strong rhythm in place, however, kids at this age want things all the time that they can't have. So how can you say “no” without saying “no”? At this age, the answer is re-direction. Something more easily said than done, right? Well, here's a re-direction technique that I use all the time. It takes some work, but it's worth it. The thing to do is to say “yes” in imagination, and then take them on an imaginary journey that ends somewhere else. Here's one example I used with a mom just the other day:

Your little boy wants a toy airplane that his older brother is playing with. He winds up to start throwing a fit. You say to him, “You really want that airplane. You want it RIGHT NOW! You LOVE airplanes, and you hate waiting!” Say it really emphatically, so that he knows you 'get it.' You might have to say it a few times. When he's paying attention to you, you can say, “If I had another airplane, I'd give it to you right now.” (you're saying yes in your imagination.) “If you had an airplane RIGHT NOW, what would you do with it?” He looks at you quizzically. You go on, “If you had that airplane RIGHT NOW, I bet you'd fly it all around the house. What room would you fly it into?” Pause for a moment to let him think about it, then go on, “I bet you'd fly it into the livingroom. Vrrroooommmm! You'd go around the coffee table, the around the couch. Then you'd fly it past the diningroom table! Vrrooommm!” Continue in this vein, taking him on an imaginary journey until you can tell he's really into it. Then change the direction slightly. “Then you'd fly it past the cat! Do you think she'd like that?” Pause and watch him, then answer: “No! Kitty doesn't like airplanes at all! If she saw you going by, she might run away and hide!” Then, “In fact, where is kitty? Do you think she's hiding in the livingroom right now? Let's go find her!”

Like I said, this technique takes some work, but the more you practice it, the better you get. If you can use this type of distraction and re-direction, you can limit how often you say “no” to your child. And by the way, with a little finesse, this technique can work with older kids as well. It's time to leave a play-date at the park and your four-year-old doesn't want to. “You want to stay here forever? OK!” (saying yes in imagination). “That would be funny! What would you eat for dinner? You could ask the squirrels if they would share their nuts with you! And where would you sleep?” Look around. “I know! You could sleep underneath the tire-swing. You could make a big pile of wood chips and burrow into it, just like a little mouse.” You get the picture.

Saying "No"

By the time kids are approaching three, they've usually figured out what works to get you to change your mind when you say “no.” Maybe throwing tantrums has worked well for them. Maybe if they whine long enough you get tired and give in. Or, they'll explain and explain why you should change your mind, wearing you down until you do change your mind, or they end up in tears. So how to establish good habits around reacting to being told "no"?

I know I go against popular culture here, but I believe that children do not benefit from lengthy discussions of why they can't have what they want. A simple explanation is fine, but after that it simply draws out the bad feelings of being told “no,” and keeps them from moving on. And in practical terms, it greatly increases the amount of time the two of you spend disagreeing with one another. Helping your child to accept “no” gracefully, and move on, will benefit you both. So how do you do that? Well, if your child is used to lengthy explanations, it will take some time and effort to change that pattern. Be patient and don't give up.

Use Humor. When a child asks for something that they know they can't have, don't give them a long explanation about how they know they can't have cookies before dinner. Don't even be disapproving. From their perspective, it was worth a try, right? So simply laugh while you say no. “No.....Silly girl!” And give her a smooch. You don't even have to remind her that she can have one cookie after dinner, just like always. She knows.

Be Matter-of-Fact. Kids often take their emotional cues from us, so watch your tone. When a child asks for a sugar cereal in the grocery store, a cheerful "Nope!" or “Not today,” is surprisingly effective, especially if you follow it up with a comment leading them in a different direction. You don't need to explain about how sugar cereals are bad for you, how they'll rot your teeth or give you a tummy ache. The less discussion you give it, the faster they can move on. Note: if you have traditionally changed your mind after pleading or nagging in the past, your child will take awhile to change his response. But if you practice, and are consistent that once you've said “not today” you don't change your mind, your child will learn to accept this without question unless it feels really important to him. I say “not today” at Rainbow Bridge all the time, and the children simply accept it and move on. It is part of our culture there.

Be Empathetic. Sometimes I'll say “not today,” and a child will burst into tears. I will immediately stop what I'm doing and take them into my arms. “Wow, you really wanted to do that, huh?” I'll say. “You thought I'd say yes, but then I said no instead.” They'll nod tearfully. Now, at this point there's a huge urge to either 1) explain why they can't get what they want, 2) bargain with them/bribe them with replacement items, or 3) give in. Put all of those urges on hold, and simply give them some love, instead. “I love you sooo much.” Give a kiss on the top of the head, and start humming a song as you rock back and forth. Stay with them as long as they need, simply pouring in the love without trying to solve anything. They are learning to handle disappointment, and that's a big task! In a minute or two, they'll calm down. “Would you like to help me unload the dishwasher?” you might ask.

Warmly,

Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

One Week till Teleclass Starts

2011-02-19T20:37:00.002-07:00

I spent the day today working on the course content for my teleclass Joyful Days with Toddlers, and I'm really excited! It's going to be a great course, perfect for anyone who spends their days with children ages 1-5. It will be a combination of online discussions and weekly conference calls, along with video footage from my own home daycare Rainbow Bridge (see an example to the right). The first class is next week, and the first week's topic will be Life as the Curriculum. The video footage is simply priceless. Have you ever thought about baking with toddlers, but felt a overwhelmed by the logistics of it all? You can see me doing it live. Have you wondered what 18-month-olds are really capable of, or whether a five-year-old boy would be excited to have his hair brushed while sitting on your lap? Those will be there too.

In addition to the practical aspects of how to make it happen, we'll examine the ideas behind it. Why does helping with household chores feel fulfilling to young children? How does it help with brain development? Why do we as adults tend to have resistance to it? We'll look at all of these and more, with a different topic each week: social skills, transitions, mealtimes, space, and being your best self. We have a great group of women signed up, and I'm excited to see them connect with one another as we explore these issues.

There are still a few spots in both the Sunday section (with calls 2pm-3:15pm Mountain Time) and the Tuesday section (calls 6:30pm-7:45pm Mountain Time), so if you're interested sign up right away! I'm offering it at the special introductory rate of $150 for the six-week course. I'll be offering the course again in June, but prices will go up. For more information, click on the tab above titled Classes With Miss Faith. To hold your spot, email me at faithrainbow@yahoo.com. I hope to hear from you soon.

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Why I Don't Use "Sorry"

2011-02-17T10:01:00.001-07:00

I don't have children use the word “Sorry” at Rainbow Bridge. The reason for this is that what we want from the word sorry is very complex: something along the lines of “I feel bad about what I did, I hope you're not hurt too badly, and I'll try my best not to do it again.” All of that in one word? The kids who come to my house using the word Sorry rarely seem to be saying any of that when they use the word; it's simply what you're supposed to say when you hurt someone. It usually comes out quickly and with little emotion behind it.

Young children live primarily in the will, so instead of words, I have them go straight to action when they hurt someone. After comforting the child who's hurt, I help the aggressor think of what they can do to help the other child feel better. If they push a child who falls down and bumps their head, they can run and get an ice-pack for the other child (or we'll all go to get it together, but I'll hand it to them to give to the hurt child). If a child is hurt less badly, I'll suggest that they help rub the other child's back. Sometimes, especially if they hit or bit the other child, the hurt child doesn't want the perpetrator to touch them yet. In that case I'll suggest that they find a toy that the hurt child might like. Once the child who's crying has calmed down some, then I might move to words, depending on how verbal the aggressor is (usually around age 2 ½ or older). I'll say, “It looks like she's feeling a little bit better. Why don't you ask her, 'Will you be OK?'” Usually the child responds with a yes or a nod. Then, especially if I can tell they feel bad, I'll suggest that they say, “I didn't mean to hurt you.” This seems much more specific and relevant than the word “sorry” to me. And, regardless of the circumstances, I think children usually do not mean to hurt one another. Yes, they may have hit the other child, but it seems like it almost always comes as a surprise when the other child bursts into tears as a result. Children at this age are just following their impulses, and they have to learn through repeated experience what the effects of those impulses are, before they can learn to control them.

If the aggressor is old enough (usually starting at age 3 ½ or so), I'll follow the whole experience up with a brief conversation where I'll ask them what happened leading up to the incident, and we'll brainstorm together on what alternatives they might have used. If they wanted a toy that another child had, they could ask if they could use it when they're done, or they could offer something else as a trade. If the other child was trying to take their toy, they could say 'you can use it when I'm done,' or give another toy to that child. If a child wouldn't get out of their way, they could say 'excuse me' or move around the child. If a child was throwing sand on them, they could say, 'please stop throwing sand.'

And always, I strive to remember that children are doing the best they can with the tools they have. Learning to interact with words is a very complex skill, one that takes several years (or, for some of us, a lifetime!) to learn. We caretakers are here to help teach them these skills, and then help them practice again and again and again.

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T06:03:00.001-07:00

Today is Valentine's Day, and, even if you don't read this post until tomorrow or even many months from now, let me suggest that you let today, the day that you read this, be all about love. About love, and about cherishing the relationships that you have in your life.

With young kids in the house, it can be easy to feel frazzled and like you never quite 'have it together.' Your hair remains unbrushed, and the house is never as tidy as you wish. So the first stop in this journey of Love is yourself. Tell your toddler that today is a very, very special day, and you're going to spend all day getting ready. If it's too late to do it for Valentine's Day today, do this tomorrow. If you work, do it this Saturday. If you're married, your spouse will be surprised and extra-pleased to have this come on a day when it's not expected. Here's what to do:

Getting the House Ready
Mid-day, spend some serious time making the house special with your toddler. The two of you can tidy up the livingroom and diningroom, can wash the kitchen floors together, and clean up in some way that's above and beyond what you normally do, clearing off the table in the entryway, or the sideboard, or polishing the table. As you're doing it, talk with your child about how much Daddy's going to love to see this when he gets home. If dad doesn't live with you, simply talk about how much you and your child are going to love this space when you're done, about how you're making it special. And then make it extra special by putting a tablecloth on the table, put candles all around the room, and put some flowers or something else that's beautiful in the center of the table.

Getting Yourself Ready
While your child is taking his afternoon nap, instead of using it as time to catch up on things, use this time to take a bubble bath. Wash your hair, shave your legs (if you shave them!), and when you get out, put on special lotion that you love the scent of, cut your toenails, and do whatever you can do to pamper your body and feel beautiful. At each step, take a moment to appreciate this body of yours. We often forget our bodies, or even try not to pay attention to them, but today, on this day of love, give some love to your very own body.

Getting Your Child Ready
When your little one wakes up from naptime, take a little extra time with him or with her, today. Light a candle to make the space special, and sit on the couch and snuggle together. Brush their hair while he's sleepily sitting on your lap. Rub his feet with lotion. Tell him how much you love him and how glad you are that he was born into your life. Tell him about how before he was born, you hoped and prayed that you would have a little boy, and you and daddy got ready for him together, and now that he's here you love him so much. Or, if he was unplanned, tell him about how you were living your life and you didn't even know that you needed a little boy, but he knew that you needed him. And when he came he was the best surprise you had ever had. Make the story real, so it fits the situation, but also make it a little bit magical, a fairytale.

After he wakes up from nap and has a snack, you can spend the afternoon making Valentines for each person that you love. Decorate them together, and write on each one what you appreciate about that person. Dig deep and go broad, and let your child contribute. These are special letters to let the people in your life know how much you appreciate them.

“Dear Mom, Cedar and I are sitting here together and thinking about how much we love you. We love having you come to visit, and we wish you could visit more often! I love how I know I can call you whenever I need to, and I especially appreciate the support you gave me when things were hard this fall. Cedar loves (ask Cedar what he loves about Grandma and write it down) your big hugs. I want to tell you how much I loved the time you spent here after Cedar was born. Cedar says he loves your dog Brandy. I love how you always tell me what a good mother I am. It means a lot to me. Thank you. Happy Valentine's Day.”

Getting Ready for Dad
If dad lives with you, then the moment he gets home will be something special. You can warn him that you and your child have been preparing something special for him, or not. When he is on the way home, get ready for him. Dim the lights, light the candles, put on some soft music. When he comes in, greet him with a smile and a kiss. You and your child can give him the Valentines that you made for him that afternoon. Then eat dinner together, and make it as special as possible. Even if the food you're having is not special, you can make the meal special by eating by candlelight. By keeping soft music on if you don't usually listen to music during dinner, or by turning the music off if you usually do. If you have special plates or glasses, use them. Have something special to drink, wine if you like that, or sparkling water with a splash of cranberry juice. If dad doesn't live with you, you can do all of these special things with your child.

Adult Time
Put your child to bed a little early tonight, fifteen minutes or half an hour. Chances are good that he will still sleep to his normal time tomorrow morning. Use the evening to let your partner know how special he or she is to you, and how your life is better for having them in it. If your partner is not present, use the evening to call the important people in your life, your parents, close friends. If they are out celebrating Valentine's Day themselves, think of how happy they'll be to come home and hear that message from you. And if you didn't get the chance for that bubble bath during the afternoon, now's the time!

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Potty at Daycare

2011-02-10T09:13:00.002-07:00

If you work taking care of other people's toddlers, then you are an integral part of the potty-learning process. Having several toddlers together gives you some advantages over parents, but it also presents some unique challenges.

Advantages
The main advantage you have is that young children learn through imitation. At Rainbow Bridge I'll usually take two or three children who are potty-learning to the bathroom at once, and it's quite a social experience. We have a kiddie-potty on the floor, facing the full-sized toilet that has a wide foot-stool in front of it and an extra kid-sized seat that's attached to the toilet and opens and closes (see an example here). If I had room in the bathroom I'd put another kiddie-potty, but the bathroom is too small. Still, two children can go to the potty at once, while a third kid stands next to me or sits on my lap (I sit on the stool in front of the sink).

At first, I'll help the children through every process: pulling down their pants, taking off their diaper, sitting on the potty, getting toilet paper, getting a new diaper, pulling up pants, washing and drying hands. As they get more and more experienced, I'll let them do as much as they can on their own, until I get to the point where I say, “I bet you can do this all on your own now! This time, I won't even go into the bathroom with you. I'll just watch from here.” And I'll stand in the hallway outside the bathroom door, saying “Are you really going to do this all by yourself today? I can hardly believe it! But look at that! You pulled your pants down by yourself. Maybe you WILL be able to do it all on your own.” If they need some help, I encourage them to ask for it (“you can say, 'help please!'), but usually they can get it on their own, and I'm super proud of them. After a few times of doing that, when it's time for them to go potty I'll send them to the bathroom on their own, then I'll wait a few minutes before I go and see how they're doing.

In a group care setting, I'll also sometimes ask a bigger kid who's completely diaper-free to take a younger child who's just learning and show them how they go potty. I go with them and supervise the whole thing, but I try to stay in the background a bit and only step in as needed. This can be a very sweet process: the bigger kid feels so competent, and the littler kid feels so special.

Disadvantages
However, there are also some significant disadvantages to potty-learning in groups. The most significant is that if you are working on your own, you have many children to supervise and can't spend all of your time in the bathroom, especially if it is far away from your livingroom/play space. If that's the case, you might consider making a “potty corner” with play-stands or two dressers in a corner of your play-room, or you can just tell parents that their child will have to wait until they're diaper-free to go potty at your house. You have to do what works for you in your house.

Another serious disadvantage is that children tend to have more accidents at daycare because they're having so much fun playing with their friends that they don't want to leave, or they don't realize they need to go until it's too late because things are so exciting. I've had parents who claim that their children are completely diaper-free at home, but they have accidents all the time at my house. In those cases I work with the parents as I can, but if it gets to be too much the child can arrive at my house diaper-free, but once they have an accident or if they can't pee in the potty when I take them, they'll need to wear a diaper for the rest of the day at my house. When their parent comes to pick them up, they can take the diaper off before they leave. As long as the child puts the diaper on and takes it off again while still at my house, they rarely back-slide at home.

And thirdly, children are often having so much fun playing that they refuse to go potty when it's time. For those children, I'll either try to take them when there's a transition going on anyhow, like right after a meal or right when we come inside (so they're not immersed in play yet), or I'll say, “Jack, it's time to go potty soon. Do you want to go now, or will you go after Anna?” He usually chooses to go after Anna, so I'll tell Anna, “Anna, run to the potty and when you get back, tell Jack that's it's his turn.” I'll remind Jack once while she's gone that as soon as Anna's back it will be his turn, and when she tells him, then off we go together, no discussion. This method is usually quite successful. I really like this method of having one child tell the other when they're done for fully diaper-free kids as well, as it helps the kids learn to listen to each other.

The main thing if you are a childcare provider is to do what feels good to you. I love potty-learning because it's a great time for me to get some one-on-one or one-on-two time with the kids, and it's great to watch them as they gain the skills and become more and more competent. But I also always have at least one or even two other adults with me! So if taking children to the potty seems like just one more thing than you can handle, I think it's perfectly alright to have other ways to bond with the children.

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Changing out of Diapers

2011-02-08T03:03:00.002-07:00

Great news! I found out where my great article on potty training came from: Julie Fellom, founder of Diaper Free Toddlers and the Waldorf-inspired preschool Neighborhood Playgarden. Julie has helped potty train more than 1,400 toddlers, all under the age of 27 months The bad news is, her website doesn't seem to be up and running anymore, and I can't find the entire article. However, you can find the gist of it from a mom who took her class here, and another very interesting blog post about the cultural shift in potty training happening at 18 months of age in the 1950s to 39 months of age today is here.

Julie Felloms suggests that potty training is best achieved before a child is 28 months, because that's the age where, in her opinion, it goes from simply being another physical skill that a young toddler is happy to achieve, to something that they can think about whether they 'want' to do it or don't want to do it. And we all know that two-and-a-half-year-olds often don't want to do what we want them to do!

So, how to make the switch from diapers to diaper-free? I've seen it happen successfully several different ways, but here's what I recommend. Once your child is able to pee on the potty fairly regularly when you take her, start taking her more frequently (every two hours and then every hour). When she starts keeping her diaper dry between pottying most of the time, she's ready. I've had some children who never keep a diaper dry, and were still ready to move out of diapers, but most will keep it dry.

Once your child is ready, make sure you're ready! You need to be ready for a big push to get out of diapers, then ready to take your child to the potty religiously every hour for several months (taking them regularly while they're still in diapers will prepare you for this!). Make the switch out of diapers on a long weekend when you can dedicate yourself to the task. Fellom suggests getting three or four little potties and putting them all around your house, so that your child will be able to get to one whenever she needs to go. Then, have your child go bare bottom. If it's cold, have her wear loose pants with nothing underneath. Now, I've read lots of articles that have suggested getting twenty pairs of 'big boy underwear' or 'big girl panties,' and using the lure of big kid underwear to help the process go forward. But my observation is that what kids want most of all is love and positive attention from their parents, and it seems to me that they only get excited about big kid underwear because their parents are excited about big kid underwear. I feel the same about giving kids food rewards or stickers for going potty: if you put the same excitement into a proud smile and a kiss on the head, you get the same result and your child will be better off for it.

So, once you're home with your bare-bottomed child and your many small potties, get a good supply of salty snacks (to keep them thirsty) and a good supply of water or watered-down juice. Watch them carefully and whenever you see them about to go or start to go, pick them up and put them on the potty, and say, “Pee goes in the potty,” or “Poop goes in the potty.” If they have an accident, just say to them sadly, “Pee goes in the potty,” and clean it up.

And that's it. Some kids get it as quickly as one day, most kids take three days. After that they're ready to be diaper-free. Fellom suggests not putting kids in underpants for about three months, and I agree. I think underpants feel a lot like diapers, and they're hard to get up and down. Baggy pants with nothing underneath is much easier, and the feeling of pee running down their leg is uncomfortable for most kids, helping to avoid accidents.

You will still need to take your child to the bathroom on a very regular basis; my observation is that most children don't realize that they need to go potty until it's right upon them, until they're three years old or so. I don't even start to ask a child if he needs to go potty until he's been out of diapers for several months. Even then, they'll usually say “no” if they're playing or having fun. So I'll ask them if they need to go once or twice during the day, but the rest of the time I'll just tell them that it's time to go potty: before going outside, before nap, and more frequently for children who are newly diaper-free.

And good luck! It's usually not as scary as it seems.
Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Going Potty

2011-02-05T10:12:00.002-07:00

So, how to approach the dreaded subject of potty training? Well, I've helped more than 35 toddlers go through this process, so let me tell you some of my thoughts. I recently heard the term “potty learning” instead of potty training, and I like it, since I think it more accurately represents what's going on. My best source for potty learning is an article that was given to me quite a few years ago, which I've since lost. I've looked for it online, but I don't see it floating around out there. If find it I'll pass the info on, because everything that author says seems to be right-on.

Develop Interest
There are several distinct phases in a child going from diapers to underpants. The first piece is that the child has be interested in it. This usually happens sometime between 18 and 28 months of age, and when you notice it happening, jump on it! If you miss the cues, or want to give the interest level a little nudge, start talking about going potty. Be excited when you've gone potty, be excited when your husband goes potty, be excited when house-guests go potty. This can be really funny and fun for you and your spouse, and it often gets the interest level up pretty quickly.

And, since kids learn through imitation, expose your child to as many people going potty as you can. Invite him to come with you when you go, have dad invite him when he goes, and invite families with slightly older children, who are going potty but need adult assistance still, and let your child be part of the activity. Daycares and play-programs are great for exposing kids to other kids learning to go potty. My first few years of teaching the potty-area was in the classroom with a short wall around it (you can see it in the photo above), and all of the children stood on a bench and watched each other learn the ropes. I've never had an easier time potty training! They cheered each other on, and they inspired each other. I'm not kidding: one little boy saw another boy poop in the potty, and he looked at me and said, “I want to do that.” He sat down on that potty for literally (I counted) twenty minutes. And finally, he did it! He was quietly proud of himself.

Peeing on the Potty
After a child develops some interest, she starts sitting on the potty, and usually not much happens. Then one day pee goes in the potty (by accident? Who know?) and you're so excited! Soon enough your child figures out how to 'push' the pee out, and you're halfway to having your kid in underpants. The next few months are spent with your child refining the skills of peeing on demand, and developing the skills of pulling their pants down, pulling them up, flushing the toilet, washing hands, etc. This long-ish time can turn into a mire where your child loses interest in going potty, and you get stuck, so watch out.

The trick to having this time be successful and keep moving forward is to have going potty be a special time with you that kids look forward to. Here's what I do: I have a stool in the bathroom so I can sit facing a child while she's sitting on the potty. I sit down and have her pull down her own pants and take off her own diaper, helping her just as little as she needs, and giving lots of smiles, encouragement and eye contact. Then when she sits down on the potty I might sing a little song or nursery rhyme with her, again with joyful eye contact. Then I say, "Do you think some pee will go into the potty? Let's listen for it," and I turn my head to the side and cup my ear, listening intently (without eye contact, so she can concentrate on her body). I'll wait for awhile, perhaps repeating, "Do you think it will come?" If it does come, I smile as I listen, and when the flow is done I turn to her wonderingly and say in a quiet, happy voice, "I heard it!" Don't get too excited while it's happening, or she'll clench up and stop the flow. If no pee comes, I'll say, "No pee this time! Maybe next time it'll come." Either way we wash hands together, and I give her a kiss, and we go back to our day.

Some kids enjoy the process so much that they never want to get up off the potty if no pee is coming. If that happens, I hold up my hand in a fist and say, "When my fingers are all up, then it will be time to get off the potty." Then I silently watch my hand as I very slowly raise my thumb and each finger in a steady, inexorable, slow-motion stream. When the pinky reaches the upright position, suddenly a 'bell' goes off, and I sing out, "Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!" and I swoop them off the potty, laughing and giving them a kiss. “Would you like to get your own new diaper?” I'll ask. This method usually stops the 'discussion' you're having about whether they should get off the potty or stay on, and you can move on with your day.

Moving Beyond Diapers
As your child gets better at peeing on demand, start taking him more and more often, and soon you'll probably get to a point that your child is keeping his diaper dry between pottying. Then it's time to move out of diapers. I've found that there's a window of time when it's the natural progression to move on, and if you don't make the switch during this window, children will often decide that they either aren't interested in going potty anymore, and/or they don't want to move out of diapers. Now you've got a power-struggle on your hands. I'll leave you with this cliff-hanger, and I'll write about making the switch from diapers to underpants in another post!

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Joyful Toddlers video footage!

2011-01-31T19:07:00.004-07:00

This is a sneak peak at the type of video footage you'll see when you sign up for my teleclass Joyful Days with Toddlers!

Starting Feb. 27 or March 1st, this six-week course is only $150 (choose either Sunday or Tuesday evening calls). All calls will be recorded in case you miss one. I will be limiting the size of these classes, so email today to save your spot faithrainbow@yahoo.com

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Foster Determination

2011-01-30T21:52:00.002-07:00

Inspired by the book The Family Virtues Guide, I am looking at one virtue each month or so, and giving some thoughts on how we can foster that virtue in the children we care for.

Research is showing again and again that it is determination, rather than intelligence or talent, that determines whether people succeed or fail. One of the most important researchers in this arena is Carol Dweck, author of the book Mindset (check out the website). I've seen Dweck quoted in many books I've loved, most notably Raising Happiness by Christine Carter, Nurture Shock by Po Bronson, and The Talent Myth by Malcolm Gladwell. One of Dweck's most famous studies was with elementary-school aged children in which she gave all of the children a test that they did well on. The students were then given one sentence of praise: either “you must be smart at this,” or “you must have worked really hard.” The children who were praised for their intelligence were markedly less likely to choose difficult tasks afterward (it might show that they weren't smart after all), and when asked to write to students at another school about the tests, they tended to inflate their test scores. The children who were praised for their effort stuck with the tasks for much longer, and reported much higher enjoyment of the tasks. Many other studies have backed up these findings as well.

So, what can we do to foster determination in our kids? Clearly, one of the first things is to praise them for their effort, rather than for just “being good” at something, or even worse, being “smart.” Check out the article on the Joyful Toddlers Facebook Page “The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids.” Very fascinating.

Another thing, which feels a little harder, is not to jump in to help too quickly when a child is having a hard time with something. Instead, give them some verbal encouragement: “You can do it!” Often, when I know a kid really can do something with a little more effort, I'll tell them, “I bet you can do it. I'll watch!” Having me watch while they up their effort calls out the best in kids, and they often discover they can do more than they knew. Afterward I'll often say proudly, “Wow, that was hard, but you worked and worked, and you did it!”

Even if it's something you know they can't do, don't jump in too soon. Even at 18 months of age, it's good to let kids deal with their own frustration for a little bit, and see if they can sort things out for themselves. When they can't, we can teach them how to ask for help in a way that makes people want to help them. When I hear a shriek of frustration at Rainbow Bridge I have a range of responses. If the child is under two, or new, I'll simply cue them: “You can say, 'help please!'” and then I help them, whether they repeat it or not. If they're two and verbal, I'll cue them, and wait for them to voice their request. If they're three or older, and I hear a shriek or moan of frustration, I'll say, “Wow, you're having a hard time. Why don't you ask for some help?” Most of the kids can calm themselves enough to respond, “Will you help me, please?”

And sometimes, it's ok to let our kids fail at things. In fact, Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness, puts it even more strongly: “If we intervene when our kids are on the brink of making a mistake—preventing the mishap or just making things easier for them—we send the message that we think they are incapable in some way or that failing would be too traumatic. We need to protect our kids not from failure but from a life void of failure.” (Raising Happiness, p.58).

Another thing I'll do, which is indirectly related to determination, is that if a child asks me for help, I'll first look around and see what other resources they have. I'll suggest a tool they might use, or another child they could ask for help instead of me: “Why don't you ask Michael for help?” I'll suggest.

And finally, a last suggestion from Carol Dweck: When kids do something quickly and perfectly, she recommends saying: “Whoops! I guess that was too easy. I apologize for wasting your time. Let's do something you can really learn from!” (quoted in Raising Happiness, p. 57).

I'd welcome comments from anyone on your experiences helping your kids develop determination. What's worked well? What's been challenging?

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Exciting New Classes

2011-01-27T09:30:00.004-07:00

Hi Everyone,

I'm both pleased and excited to be able to offer two new classes this spring. One will be located in Boulder and will be aimed primarily at parents (although daycare providers will benefit too!), and the other is available to anyone with a phone and a computer, and is aimed primarily at home daycare providers (although parents will benefit too!). Let me tell you a little more about them:

Joyful Days with Toddlers
I'm super excited for this tele-class. It will be a six-week live teleclass class, made up of online discussions, weekly conference calls, and video footage from my own home daycare, Rainbow Bridge.

You can sign up for either for the Sunday course (with calls on Sunday at 2pm Mountain Time, starting Feb 27) or Tuesday course (calls on Tuesday evening at 6:30pm Mountain time, starting March 1), but all calls will be recorded in case you miss one.

Keep your eyes on Joyful Toddlers for a sample of the type of footage you'll see in the class, coming soon! Topics covered will include:

1. Life as the Curriculum
2. Teach Children to Interact Graciously
3. Make Mealtimes Special
4. Space that You Love & Care for
5. Smooth and Easy Transitions
6. Be Your Best Self

I am pleased to be working with Lisa McVicker of Prosperity Media on this course. Lisa shot all of the Rainbow Bridge video last summer, and will be handling the technical aspects of this course. We will be in good hands!

Because this is the first class of its kind, I will be limiting the spaces and offering the course at an introductory rate of $150. Please email me at faithrainbow@yahoo.com to hold your spot.

Parenting Inspiration
While the class above is new and exciting, this class will be be warm and inviting. This class in Boulder, CO is about connecting with other parents, discussing thought-provoking articles, getting concrete ideas for your home life, and doing art and handwork projects that you never have time to do in your busy life. This class is about taking the time out of your week to slow down, to breathe, to connect with other adults who are in the same situation. This class is about self-care and inspiration. I will bring in a list of suggested topics, but the class will choose the topics that feel most relevant to them.

I am still settling on a location, which will determine its days/times, but it will run from late Feb through March. If you're interested please email me at faithrainbow@yahoo.com and let me know if daytime or evenings are better for you. Classes will be once a week, two hours each. This class is offered on a sliding scale, $160-$240.

Storytelling with Toddlers

2011-01-24T00:12:00.005-07:00

I love telling stories to toddlers. Although I enjoy reading stories to toddlers as well, I find the act of telling a story much different from reading one. Reading a storybook is a nice cuddly activity, where children snuggle up with me on the couch and we look at the pictures together, and talk about what's going on (I rarely read the words). This is a great activity to do when the kids are tired and grouchy, or when they're wound up and need something to help them calm down. Telling a story, on the other hand, is a much different experience: I tell it from memory. I use the same words or very similar words each time. The children are watching me instead of looking at a picture. And these are the stories that show up in the children's play again and again. They are alive for the children in a way that picturebook stories never are.

The age of the group determines where I tell the story: if I have a group of one- and two-year-olds, I'll usually tell the story at the lunch table. I'll wait until the older children (who usually eat much faster than the little ones) start to finish up. I'll start a story, and the big ones sit and listen to me, while the little ones have all the time they need to eat as slowly as they do. Then we can all end the meal at the same time. For groups of older toddlers (two- and three-year-olds), I will tell simpler stories at the table, but save my real storytelling juice for either a puppet show (often done very simply on my lap) or acted out in our circle. Or I'll start a new story at the table, and tell it pretty much every day for several weeks. Then I'll take the story and do it as a puppet show or as a circle for several more weeks. I only change stories about once a month at the earliest; when I had only one- and two-year-olds, I would tell the same story for two to three months before changing.

If the idea of memorizing a story is scary for you, don't worry: toddlers are VERY forgiving! The more times you tell the story, the more regular the words will get for you. I've often started telling a story just trying to remember it from my own childhood, and over several days or even a week the words and cadences will cement themselves together. There are two types of stories that go over really well with toddlers. The first are nature stories, and the second are simple fairy tales.

Nature Stories
Nature stories are simple stories about woodland creatures that the children might find in their backyards. In the fall I tell one of the animals telling what they're grateful for (at Thanksgiving time), as winter comes I have a story of a mouse finding a warm home for the winter in a pumpkin. In the spring I tell the story of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly. A wonderful source for these stories is Suzanne Down of Juniper Tree puppets. She taught the puppetry portion of my LifeWays training in Wisconsin, and now is the organizer of the Rocky Mountain LifeWays training in Boulder, CO. She is a wonderful resource! You can check out her website at http://junipertreepuppets.com/ . She puts out a newsletter periodically that always has one of these simple nature stories that's appropriate for the season, with instructions on how to make simple table-puppets or lap-puppets if you wish to do it as a puppet show.

Simple Fairy Tales
The second type of story that toddlers love are fairy tales that have lots of repetition in them: The Three Little Pigs is my all-time most successful story, and is a great one to start with if you have never told a story before. You can even tell the Three Little Pigs for a month, then tell another story for a month, then tell the Three Little Pigs again. The children never tire of it; I am the only one who tires of it! Goldilocks and the Three Bears is a good one, but very long. If I can see that the children can't sit all the way through, I will truncate the part where the bears go through each activity and discover the destruction that Goldilocks has wrought. However, if I do it as a puppet show they can almost always sit through it. If I have a bit of an older toddler crowd, I will tell The Elves and the Shoemaker after Christmas.

A good story to tell at the table, that even little ones can enjoy, is the Grimm's tale Sweet Porridge. One year I had a little boy who was very demanding, so I changed the tale just a little bit so that the little girl must say to the pot “Please cook little pot, please cook.” Then when the little girl is gone, the mother forgets to say “please” when she's trying to stop the pot, and it won't stop. In my version she goes through various efforts to get the pot to stop before the little girl comes back and puts things to rights. The children LOVED it. Each time I say, “Do you think it stopped?” I look around expectantly and all of the children chorus, “No!”
Here is the version as I told it (or just google it for the original version; I know some people don't like any changes made to fairy tales):

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived with her mother. They were very poor, and one day they had nothing left to eat. So the little girl went out into the forest to see what she could find. While she was there she came across an old woman who gave her a magical pot. All she had to do was put the pot on the stove and say, “Please cook little pot, please cook,” and it would cook sweet porridge which they could eat to their hearts' content. When they were done, she would just say, “Please stop little pot, please stop,” and it would stop. The little girl thanked the old woman and ran home to her mother. “Look mother! We will never be hungry again,” she said, and so it was, for a long time.

One day, when the little girl had gone to town, the mother was hungry. She took out the pot and said, “Please cook little pot, please cook,” and she ate the sweet porridge to her heart's content. But when she was done eating, she forgot the words. She said, “Stop little pot, stop!” But do you think the pot stopped? No! It began to boil over the sides of the pot and onto the stove. The mother said, “Little pot, stop right now!” But do you think the pot stopped? No! The porridge began to boil off the stove and across the kitchen floor. The mother said, “Pot, stop-stop-stop-stop!” But do you think the pot stopped? No! It boiled out the door of the house and started going down the path. By the time the little girl came home, the porridge had filled every house in the town but one! The little girl ran home and said, “Please stop little pot, please stop,” and it did. But anyone who wanted to leave their house and go through the woods had to eat their way through the porridge.

If you have any questions or comments about storytelling with toddlers, don't hesitate to put it in the comments; others will surely appreciate it!

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Worthy of Imitation

2011-01-19T14:19:00.003-07:00

We all know that young children learn through imitation. Sometimes this is funny, like when a little two-year-old in my care walked up to a big four-year-old boy and said, “Hi Cutie!” Other times it makes us cringe a little bit, seeing our actions or hearing our words come out in miniature.

Although we know that children learn from imitation, the logical conclusion to that absolutely never occurred to me until I did my LifeWays training: that because children learn through imitation, in order to serve them best we must strive to be worthy of imitation.

What does this mean, in practical terms? Well, certainly we need to watch what we say. This one is fairly obvious: when we hear swear words coming from our toddlers' lips, we realize that we need to restrain ourselves from swearing in front of them. But something that is just as important but perhaps not as obvious is our tone of voice. Do we speak in a warm, welcoming tone of voice, or do we let ourselves get snappy when we feel tired or rushed or annoyed? We can certainly speak firmly while still letting our love shine through, but when we snap angrily at children or at our spouse, it sends a different message. I will never forget a little boy in my care whose father had started working from a home in an office with glass doors. For two weeks, this little boy did nothing but dig angrily in the sandbox. If anyone tried to approach him he would yell at them, “Go away! Can't you see I'm working?” Parents often have no idea how much of what happens at home comes out in children's play. Children have no filters at this age; everything they experience soaks in.

Another thing to think about are our daily actions. Children thrive when they see caregivers doing “good work.” By good work I mean practical activities that children can imitate in their play, and eventually can help with or do themselves. Any sort of hobby where you make things (either useful or beautiful) are great for this: sewing, woodworking, mosaic art. And a great source for “good work” is household chores: cooking, cleaning, folding laundry, picking up toys. Set up an environment that allows your child to imitate you: have a miniature broom next to the full-sized broom. When you wipe the table, bring two cloths, and sing a little song while you do it. If your child asks to join in, you'll already have a cloth ready. Instead of thinking of these things as chores that should be gotten through as quickly as possible, remember that you are a model for imitation in each case. Instead of slapping the plates together to unload the dishwasher, or setting the table as quickly as possible, imagine you were being filmed for each activity. Think about how you move, how you gesture, the attitude you display when you are doing this activity. Your child is soaking it all in. I love the image from the Disney movie Snow White, where the birds and woodland creatures come in to help her do her housework, and she sings joyfully through the whole thing. Who wouldn't want to live in a house with a person who moved joyfully through every part of her day? How can we start to become that person?

And thirdly, what are you doing to take care of yourself so that you have the generosity of spirit you need? Children also benefit when they see that their caregivers have a rich life that doesn't always include them.

As I move through my day at Rainbow Bridge, I'm very conscious of the fact that everything I say or do will be soaked in and imitated by the children I care for. Some days I do better than others; when I haven't gotten enough sleep or a little boy poops in his pants for the fourth day in a row, I sometimes am not somebody who I'd like to see anyone imitating. But each day is a new opportunity, and the more I practice, the better I get.

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Book Review: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

2011-01-13T23:27:00.001-07:00

I found the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, at a thrift store. I have to admit that I opened it with very low expectations, as I think that our culture tends to emphasize talking to our kids way too much. In general, and especially for toddlers, actions speak far louder than words. However, I was happily surprised to discover that I really enjoyed this book, and agreed with almost everything it had to say. It was aimed primarily at elementary-school-aged kids, but many of the lessons can be applied to toddlers quite easily.

The book gives what I consider to be really practical advice on how to talk to kids in ways that recognize their feelings (without labeling too much), encourages their cooperation, and helps them to be competent. I especially loved how it shows parents how to help/let kids come up with their own solutions to problems they present. Some of these were too advanced for toddlers, but even at Rainbow Bridge when a child comes to me with a complaint, I'll often start out with, "Oh no! What will you do?" Not jumping in to solve every problem helps children feel competent and proud of themselves. Even the chapter on Praise, which made me cringe just to open it, started out looking at the difference between authentic praise and over-excessive praise, and how undeserved praise can backfire in different ways. Then it looked at ways to praise kids that feels good to them. It is very hands-on, with exercises for you to do, and lots of actual dialogue between parents and kids.

The only complaint I can come up with is that the book is very rosy in its outlook, with children going from being recalcitrant and surly to being reasonable and responsive with just a few short sentences from mom or dad. In reality, if you have negative patterns going with your child, it will take consistent practice to change those patterns. However, if things are going relatively well with your child, this book is a great resource for nipping negative interactions in the bud and helping your relationship flourish. I would definitely recommend it.

Happy Reading,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Mine!

2011-01-10T20:58:00.003-07:00

From the time they learn to talk, the word “Mine!” often plays a prominent role until a child is three or so. In fact, the first year I started working with toddlers, a sheet of paper was passed around titled “Toddler Property Laws.” It starts out:
       -If I like it, it's mine.
       -If it's in my hand, it's mine.
       -If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
       -If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
It goes on from there, but you get the idea. Everyone who has spent time with toddlers laughs when they read it. As I've spent more and more time with toddlers, however, my views on the word mine have changed. I've come to believe that most of the time that a toddler (especially a young toddler) says “mine,” what he's really doing is expressing recognition of this object, explaining that he has a relationship with it. What do I mean by this? Well, here's a conversation that I have on a regular basis at Rainbow Bridge. Let's choose a little girl named Jojo. Jojo sees Sylvia playing with a toy that she recognizes:

Jojo: Mine!
Me: Were you playing with that before?
Jojo: (nod)
Me: Yes. (pause) You were playing with it, and now it's Sylvia's turn. (pause again) Now you're playing with the dolly.
Jojo looks down at the doll in her hands, then up at me, and nods.

At least half the time, this is the conversation in its entirety. I acknowledge Jojo's relationship with the toy, then point out what she's playing with now. This feels satisfying to her, and she goes off to play with her doll. Unfortunately, many times we adults misunderstand toddlers' limited vocabulary, and assign the meaning that WE would give to the word “mine” when we hear them say it. When a child sees a toy in another child's hands and says “Mine!”, the adult often refutes them, going on to say who it really belongs to, who's allowed to play with it when, etc. And often, this ends up with an unhappy child. My idea is that to them, this feels like we're denying their relationship with that toy, which is completely unjust. They keep trying to explain (by saying “mine!”), and the adult keeps telling them that no, it's not actually theirs. How frustrating.

On the other hand, sometimes when they say “Mine!” it's because they see another child playing with a toy and they wish they could play with it. (I have a theory that toys 'come alive' to children when they are being played with, which is why toddlers always want a toy that somebody else is playing with.) When that happens, we go through the conversation above, but instead of wandering off, Jojo responds with a firm, “Mine!” Here's what I do then:

Jojo: Mine!
Me: Do you want another turn with that toy?
Jojo: (nod)
Me: Why don't you ask her? You can say, “Sylvia, can I have a turn when you're done?”
Jojo (to Sylvia): Can I have a turn when you're done?
Sylvia: Yes
Me: She said yes! You can have a turn when she's done! What will you play with while you wait?

At this point a child usually is happy to find something else while they wait, although sometimes she may need my help to find something that is as “alive” as the toy in Sylvia's hands. I make another toy come alive by starting to play with it, then offering it to her.

There are a couple of things that can trip up this conversation. One is if Jojo fails to get Sylvia's attention before she asks, speaks too quietly for Sylvia to hear, or asks me instead of asking Sylvia. If this happens, I'll either encourage Jojo to get her attention first, or I'll help: “Sylvia, Jojo has a question for you.” If Jojo is too young or too shy to ask for herself, I'll position myself right next to her and ask for her: “Sylvia, can Jojo have a turn when you're done?” Another problem can arise if Jojo asks and then Sylvia says “No.” If this happens, I'll simply explain to Sylvia, “Oh, she doesn't mean right now. She means when you're ALL DONE.” Usually Sylvia is happy to agree with this.

If Sylvia is playing at Jojo's house, there is another layer to the word “mine.” Then the question of ownership may really be coming into the discussion. In that case, I would reassure Jojo: “Yes. That toy is YOURS. Sylvia's having a turn with it right now. (pause). What are YOU playing with?”

Certainly it's clear that the word “mine” can mean different things at different times and in different situations. I don't know if toddlers really use it to express a relationship to the object, but I do know that when I think of it that way, and I acknowledge it as such, children often seem satisfied with no further action needed. Give it a try!

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Dressing for Snow

2011-01-06T22:23:00.002-07:00

With snowy weather on the horizon or outside your door, the idea of getting kids dressed to play outside can be daunting. “Is it really worth it?” you wonder to yourself. “We'll probably end up spending more time dressing and undressing than we will outside. Maybe we'll just stay in today.”

Well, take it from me: IT'S WORTH IT!!!! If you think dressing one child, or even two children, to go outside it more than it's worth, just remember that I spent my first three years of teaching at Boulder Waldorf Kindergarten with EIGHT toddlers and one assistant. And going outside was always worth it. Even when it didn't seem like it would be worth it, it was always worth it. Even when it meant dressing eight 1- and 2-year-olds in a row, it was still worth it (although we'd usually split them up, and do four outside before lunch, and four outside after lunch).

Why do I think it's worth it? Here are my reasons:

Children thrive on being outside. Although it can take them awhile to get used to cold or snowy weather, if you do it every day, they will get used to it and really learn to enjoy it.
Being outdoors in the cold takes lots of energy. Using that energy has the dual benefit of helping a child grow hale and hearty, and it uses up a big portion of energy so they can be calm when they come in. When children have had the chance to play outside for a significant portion of time in the morning, the rest of the day goes so much more smoothly!

So, how did I have the patience to dress so many children for outside play in snowy weather each day? Well, a turning point came to me when I stopped viewing dressing for snow as a means to an end (getting outside), and started looking at it as an activity that could be a useful and even enjoyable; an activity in its own right. That new lens completely transformed my experience of getting ready to go outside. I stopped rushing and I slowed down. I looked at children learning to dress themselves as a real skill that was worth taking the time to learn. Look at all the gross-motor skills involved in putting on snowpants or a jacket! Look at all the fine-motor skills involved in zipping up a coat or putting on mittens. Look at how proud a child is when she is finally able to get her boots on all by herself!

If it takes twenty minutes to get ready to go outside, who cares? You don't mind if it takes twenty minutes to do an arts-and-crafts project, or to bake a cake. In fact, twenty minutes is a great amount of time for an activity! And children love it just as much as an arts-and-crafts activity, if you put the same sort of fun and delighted energy into it that you do into arts-and-crafts. They love all of the direct attention that you're giving them if you're watching and helping just as little as is needed to help them get to the next point. They love your encouragement as you watch them struggle to put on a boot and you say, “You can do it!” and they love the feeling of accomplishment when they can. So if it takes twenty minutes to dress for going outside, and then it's so chilly you can only play outside for fifteen minutes, that's OK, because while dressing warmly is necessary for going outside, it was a great activity in its own right.

There are a few things that can help dressing for snow become an enjoyable activity. The first one I already mentioned: Slow Down! In order to be able to slow down enough, make sure that you have a comfortable place to sit, on a stool or a cushion, or even a piece of carpet. Also, if you're going slowly, be sure to put your child's jacket on last (after boots and hats and even mittens, depending on the style) so they don't overheat. Another tip: as you change your attitude towards dressing for snow, and you're viewing it as a chance to let your child develop her gross-motor and fine-motor skills and to bond with you, consider putting your child's clothes on in the same order, and the same way, each time. Children learn through imitation, and when you do things in the same order and the same way each time, they can start to pick up each piece for themselves. My suggestion is for snowpants first, then boots, then hat, then mittens, then jacket. A way to make this routine fun can be to sing a little song or say a little rhyme for each part. For instance, one LifeWays provider I know tells a story of a train going through a tunnel for each leg going into a pair of snowpants. Each leg chug-chug-chugs as it goes through, then a triumphant Toot-toot! When it appears out the other side. And another teacher I know has a sweet yet informative song for putting on mittens: “Thumb in the thumb-hole, fingers all together. That's how we dress in cold and snowy weather,” she'll sing.

In fact, after you start dressing in this new way, your main problem may be that your child always wants to dress in this style, leading to upsets when you're in a rush and don't have twenty minutes to spend getting out the door. My suggestion for this is to have two styles of getting ready to go outside: the fun way, and the fast way. Let your child know which they can expect as you go over to the door. “Normally you love getting ready to go out the fun way, but today we're going to the doctor, so we'll get ready the fast way instead. You'll sit down on your little changing chair and I'll zip-zip-zip you right into everything.” Then, when you're dressing them as fast as you can, make fast zip-zip-zipping sounds with each movement, stopping every once in awhile to smile at them or give them a kiss.

So, give it a try, and do your best to get outside for at least a little while each day. If you get into this habit, you'll be amazed at the end of the winter how competent your little one can be.

Warmly (no pun intended!),
Miss Faith

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

Foster Kindness

2011-01-03T22:09:00.003-07:00

I was inspired by The Family Virtues Guide to notice and bring out the virtues we wish to see in our children. So once a month or so, I'll look at a different virtue and make some simple suggestions of ways we can foster them. So, kindness. I'd love to hear ways that you foster kindness in your homes too, so please let us know in the comments.

In her book Raising Happiness, Christine Carter makes a very interesting observation. She says: “My guess is that most parents hope their children are kind, but few deliberately teach kindness in conscious ways. In young children and adolescents, there is a lot of evidence that parenting practices are significantly associated with kindness in children, meaning that we can, in fact, stack the deck so that our children grow up to be kind and generous adults” (Raising Happiness, p.32).

With this in mind, how can we foster kindness in the children we care for? Here are some ideas I've had. Most you can do with children as soon as they can understand you. As they start to talk, you'll hear the same phrases coming from them:

-Thank people who are kind to you and add a little extra. When someone holds the door open for you, instead of just saying thanks, be a little more explicit. “Thanks for helping me. That's very kind.”

-Acknowledge kindness exhibited by others: “Look! Justin's helping Michael carry the truck up the stairs. That's sure nice of him.”

-'Brainstorm' with your child about how you can be kind to others. “I think it'd be lovely to do something kind for Daddy tonight. What could we do?” Maybe your child could bring him his slippers when he gets home, and you could make him a cup of tea. Or you could offer to hang up his coat for him. Or tell him that you're giving him five minutes of quiet, and you and your child could tiptoe around and whisper while he unwinds from work. What would be kind for dad? You and your child will know.

-Offer help and/or care to others. For example, when you see another child fall down, or an adult stub their toe, ALWAYS stop and ask, “Are you all right?” Often they are fine, but it's kind to ask.

-When you hear another child crying, always acknowledge it to your child. “I hear someone crying! Do you hear it too? Do you think somebody is giving them hugs and kisses?” Imagine out loud what someone might be doing that would be kind to that other little person.

What do you do in your family to foster kindness? What have you seen other families do that inspires you?

...One caveat: DON'T give material rewards for helpfulness. Carter reports in her book that: “Very young children who receive material rewards for helping others become less likely to engage in further helping compared with toddlers who receive only verbal praise or no reward at all.” (Raising Happiness, p.34). Other sources that talk about the deleterious effects of material rewards include the book Punished By Rewards by Alphie Kohn, and a very interesting article on the effects of different types of praise is “The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids,” which I've posted on the Joyful Toddlers Facebook Page. You can also find it here.

Joyful Toddlers has moved! Check out our new location: http://joyfultoddlers.com/

A Homey Home

2010-12-30T17:03:00.000-07:00

In this wintery time, it's easy to start feeling cooped up in your house. If you have toddlers, you're bound to feel cooped up! There are two things to do. The first is to make sure that children get outside-time every day, no matter what the weather. I'll write an article next week on how to approach that to make it feel feasible and enjoyable in snowy weather. In the meantime, the second thing to do is to work on making your house a welcoming and homey place. When children are in a calmer space, they often respond with calmer energy.

Think about places or homes you've been to that feel warm and welcoming. Where were they? What were they like? What was it about them that made them feel especially homey? How could you make your home more like that? I know that for myself, there are a few things that make a home feel really homey, and I use them all at Rainbow Bridge. Give these some thought and see if they apply for you, too.

Comfort, Beauty & Practicality
A home that feels really homey makes sure that each space is not only practical, but has both comfort and beauty as well. Beauty without comfort feels like a museum-space instead of a home; comfort without beauty can feel hectic and overwhelming. Do you spaces have both comfort and beauty?

Comfort—Think about comfort for yourself, and for your children. I love to use texture for comfort: lambskins are lovely for a cozy space, velvet curtains, silks, cushions and quilts are all in use all around Rainbow Bridge, and all help to make it feel comfortable. Also, make sure that your furniture is comfortable. I have a friend who has had the same couch for years. She had moved it around from house to house because it was light and easy to move, but it was so uncomfortable to sit on that nobody in her family used it. When she finally got a comfortable couch (from the thrift store; it wasn't expensive), it immediately expanded the usable space in her home and made her home more homey. Having comfortable, usable spaces for your family can help you spread out and use your entire house, instead of only congrating in one spot.

Beauty—Make space in your home for beauty. Tacking a deep blue cloth with gold stars to the ceiling and walls over your child's bed is easy and quick, but changes the whole feel of the room. If your shelves are jammed full of stuff, try hanging an embroidered silk curtain over the whole thing; it will calm the space immediately. In book cases, make room here and there to showcase small, beautiful things that you love. Painting the walls can really change the feeling of a room. If painting a room feels overwhelming, try painting just one wall. This can often change the entire feeling, at only a fraction of the time and effort. Also, look at your child's toys and the things that are strewn around your house. Are they beautiful to look at? I love toys made out of wood, wool, silk or stone, that are beautiful in their own right.

Make it Practical—A home that is truly homey is not just beautiful, but also practical. This sometimes means giving up how we 'think' things should be, and figuring out what works, and how to do it gracefully. At Rainbow Bridge, I was convinced that I wanted a full-sized table for all of us to sit at, because I didn't like the idea of having a kid-table in my diningroom after the children left for the day. But getting a table to sit fourteen is not easy. Not only was it enormous, but I had to get three or four different kinds of chairs to fill it up. When I finally gave in to practicality and got a kid-friendly table, the space felt so much more spacious and open, I wondered why I hadn't done it earlier. Other practical ideas might include having a play-space near the kitchen, putting a low book case in the hallway for toys, etc. What would be a practical change for your house that would make your life easier, and your house more of a home?

De-Clutter
Perhaps the biggest thing you can do to make a space feel welcoming is to de-clutter. This can feel like quite a challenge with a busy life and toddlers in the house, but it makes an enormous difference in how a space feels, both for your and for your children. Here are some low-hanging fruit that can get you started de-cluttering:

Toys—Go through toys and weed out the ones that don't get used anymore. Then go through them again and put half of them into boxes so that you can rotate toys in and out of use. We do this at Rainbow Bridge, and children are always thrilled to see old 'friends' reappear. I often change toys when the seasons change, but you could also do it at a birthday time, or other holidays.

Use shelves—One great way to help keep clutter down is to have more shelf-space than you know what to do with. Have shelves by the back door with baskets for hats and mittens. Have shelves by the table to keep kid-bowls and kids-cups, and they can help set their place at the table. Have shelves in your study and put baskets on for mail, computer accessories, anything else that would normally be cluttering up your desk. If you can, get beautiful wooden book cases; to me, nothing says homey more than golden wood book cases!

Cover things up—Having twelve kids per day at Rainbow Bridge means that we have a lot of 'stuff' around. One of the ways we handle this is through the judicial use of curtains: velvet curtains cover up shelves filled with table-settings, dry goods, extra hats, you name it. We put curtains on the changing table to hide nine packs of diapers. Now when you look around, you see warm velvet instead of crowded shelves.

Hot Spots—Every house has 'hot spots': places that collect junk. Often this is near the door, or on a desk. The 'stuff' isn't likely to go away, but how can you make it feel warmer? Baskets to catch mail and papers? A beautiful iron hook for your purse? At Rainbow Bridge our cubby space was always a huge mess. I took cloth grocery-store bags and sewed a pocket on the outside of each one in beautiful cloth, and wrote each child's name on one. Now the cubbies are three neat rows of blue bags with beautiful pockets. What a different feeling! Not to mention that it's easier for parents to pack up and leave at the end of the day.

Clean as you go—Make sure that you include clean-up as an integral part of each activity you do with your child. Not “something we have to do when the activity is done,” but as a real PART of the activity. This can include helping to clean up after meals, making their bed after naps, etc. Kids love helping to put things to rights and showing that they know where everything goes, so let it be an activity that has its own value, not something that you're trying to rush through. Take a moment after the clean-up is done to reflect on a job well-done.

So, those are a few of the ideas I have. I hope this inpires you to look at your home with fresh eyes, and make some changes, however small. I've lived in many spaces in my life, and the ones where I take the time to create a beautiful, homey space are the ones where I've been the happiest. We're going to be inside for most of the time between now and spring. Let's make our homes as homey and as welcoming as we can.

Warmly,
Faith

Two Tall Trees

2010-12-17T05:37:00.001-07:00

Dear Readers,
I want to put in a shameless plug for my friend Jess Henry and her new online store, Two Tall Trees. Jess was a member of my LifeWays training six years ago in Wisconsin, and her mother was a Waldorf teacher at the school I went to as a child. I remember her from then as a glamorous teenager! Since that time, Jess has worked with children in many capacities: from the start of life as a Birth Doula, to nursery school teacher, after school art teacher, summer camp director, home childcare provider, and parent-child playgroup leader. She also has two lovely children of her own.

The inspiration for Two Tall Trees came from wishing there were a central place where LifeWays care providers could go to get supplies that have actually been tested by real kids and real adults. Slowly this idea began to take root, and expand. Wouldn't it be great if parents and home childcare providers also had a forum to talk about setting up childcare space, review products they've tried, and more? That vision is just now coming to birth in Two Tall Trees. There you can find child-sized work gloves, wooden hairbrushes for only $4 a piece, fleece-lined rain pants, grain grinders for turning wheat into flour, beeswax candles, old-fashioned egg beaters, kid-sized stainless steel cups, and much, much more!

Jess's entire family is part of the business, and her children enthusiastically test every item that she sells. I really can't enthuse enough about what a resource this will be for all of us who spend our days with young children. I know she is only getting started, and I can't wait to watch Two Tall Trees grow. Please tell all of your friends and your kids' teachers!
http://twotalltrees.com/

Warmly,
Faith

Changing Diapers

2010-12-13T07:32:00.002-07:00

Many parents and caregivers whose children actively dislike diaper-changing try to do it as fast as they can, and get it over with as quickly as possible. But in my experience, this merely accentuates all of the things kids dislike about getting their diaper changed, making it even more intensely unpleasant. On the other hand, you can spend all day trying to talk a child over to the changing table if he doesn't want to go, drawing out the unpleasantness indefinitely. What to do?

My views and practices on diaper changing were altered terrifically by my LifeWays training. Up until that time, I had just viewed diaper changing as a slightly unpleasant task that has to be done multiple times per day. But LifeWays suggests making times of bodily care into special times to bond with the child, and diapering is a very intimate piece of bodily care. Using this lens can completely transform your diapering experience, whether your child hates diapering or merely tolerates it. From the child's point of view, this changes the diapering experience from one of being torn away from play, manhandled, then put down again as quickly as possible, to a special time of connection with their adult. My second year of teaching, I was so inspired by these ideas and I made diaper changing such a special time that none of the children had any interest in potty training! But that's a post for another day.

Going to the Changing Table
Breaking kids away from their play can be difficult, especially if your child already has a negative association with diaper changing. Having a routine, for instance, always change their diaper right after they're done eating but before their play starts again, can help. Also, try diapering on the way to doing something they like. “Are you ready to go outside? Let's tidy up.” After tidying, you might say, “We're getting ready to go outside. First we'll get a fresh, dry diaper, then get on our shoes, jackets and hats, and then we'll be ready to play in the snow!” As we're going to the changing table, I'll talk about what we'll see outside, “Do you think Squirrel Pipkin will be running around in the Cottonwood tree when we get outside? I wonder if he's eaten all of the corn off of the cob we put out for him.”

If a child is playing and I can tell she's soiled her diaper, I'll let her know what's coming. “It smells like you have a poopy diaper. I'll finish wiping the table, and then I'll take you to get a new diaper.” When my table-wiping is done, I'll often give a choice: “Would you like to walk, or hop like a bunny?” Often, hopping like a bunny to the changing table is a fun enough activity to take a child's mind off where she's going; as she hops I'll sing, “Here comes Sarah Cottontail/Hopping down the bunny trail/Hippety hoppety, hippety hoppety, Sarah's on her way.” If I suspect that she won't walk or hop, I'll structure my offer so that one option involves me carrying her over: “Would you like to walk, or fly like an airplane?” Then I'll fly her here and there until she's laughing, and eventually land on the changing table.

Sometimes, though, I know that no option will be attractive, and nothing will distract her; we've been through this many times before. In that case, I'll simply ask, “Would you like to walk, or shall I carry you?” At this point, a child will sometimes ignore me, hoping that the situation will disappear. However, I know that she has a soiled diaper, and my job as the caring adult is to clean her up. I also know that no amount of reasoning or cajoling is likely to work now. You can't change emotion through logic, and she DOESN'T WANT to. I acknowledge this: “You wish you could keep playing. I get that. But it's time to get a new diaper. Will you choose, or shall I choose for you?” If she still refuses to make a choice, I'll say, “OK, I'll choose this time,” and I pick her up. Often at that point she'll suddenly say, “I walk. I walk.” But I tell her compassionately, “I'm sorry, it's too late to choose now. You can choose to walk next time.” This may sound draconian to some parents, but my experience is that this rarely happens more than twice if you're consistent; after that children know to choose when the choice is offered, and things go much more smoothly all around. The key is to do it with compassion; you don't have to be mean in order to be firm.

On the Changing Table
Whew! You made it to the changing table! The hardest part is done!

How can this be? you might ask. You've had lots of trouble on the changing table, and you're girding your loins for battle. However, my experience is that the transition of leaving play is the hardest part, and once you're on the changing table, you can shape the experience into one where you're connecting with each other. And the counter-intuitive trick that will change your diapering experience is this: if your child hates having his diaper changed, slow it waaaaayyyy down. Instead of making this about changing the dirty diaper as quickly as possible, make it about having eye-to-eye face-time with your child. Make it a time of you loving on him and connecting with him. Make the diaper-changing aspect of it into a side note.

Here's how I do it: when a child is laying down on the changing table, I look down at him and smile into his eyes. Sometimes I'll stroke his hair and down both sides of his face while I do it. Then I'll grin a little and lift the bottom of his shirt, and play a belly-button game: “All around the haystack goes the little mouse,” I'll say, circling his belly-button with my finger. Then I'll start to 'walk' my fingers up his tummy. “One step, two step, into his little house!” And that mouse will run up into his armpit. I'll do this two or three or even four times in row, until he's relaxed and smiley. Sometimes I'll alternate the rhyme with this one: “All around the playground goes the teddy bear. One step, two step, tickly under there!”

Next, I'll take off his pants. If he starts to get anxious because he knows the diaper-changing is about to start, I'll pause again, and do a little game with his feet: clapping his feet together sole to sole, I'll chant, “Shoe a little horse! Shoe a little mare! But little Justin's feet go bare, bare bare!” Then I'll kiss the bottom of one foot while looking up at his face, then the bottom of the other. I'll alternate feet, kissing and kissing again until he's relaxed once more. Then I'll pull out one or two wipes and get the new diaper open and ready, talking about the mobile that's hanging above his head, or the mama-baby picture at the foot of the table. I'll open the soiled diaper very slowly, pull it away and put it in the diaper pail with one hand, holding my other warmly against his tummy. Once I had a little boy in my care who hated diapering, and I was changing his diaper while his mom watched, so she could get some new ideas. I opened his diaper and he began to writhe and buck. So I put my face down into his neck and started giving him lots of loud kisses, making them much more attention-grabbing than the diaper coming off. "I see," the mother said thoughtfully, "You just kiss him into submission!" I had to laugh.

Now comes the part that many children dislike: being wiped with cold wet wipes. I once had a wipe-warmer that was like a low-grade hotplate that went under the container of wipes, but it would dry the pack out, so I got rid of it. Instead, I'll hold the wipe up and say in a silly voice, “It might be chilly.” Then I'll put the wipe against his bottom and hold it in one place for a moment until it warms up. “Brrrr! Oh, now it's not so bad.” Then I'll start wiping, but sooooo ssllloooowwwlllyyy. While this is happening, I'm looking at his face, not at his bottom. Depending on the child, at this point I might simply look silently into his eyes, or I might tell a little story, a longer nursery rhyme (I like the on that starts “There was an old woman thrown up in a basket/seventeen times as high as the moon”), or, if being wiped is a very intense experience for this little boy, I'll make sound effects as I slowly wipe: “Zzzzzzzooop! Zzzzzooop!” Then I might change the speed a little, changing the speed of my sounds as I do: “Zoop-zoop!” for two little dabs, then a longer stroke again, “Zzzzzzzzoooop.” We are both watching each other and concentrating on the sounds and the feeling of the wipe. I smile at him. “That's a strange feeling, huh? You're doing a great job. I'm proud of you.” I give him a kiss on the forehead. We put on his new diaper, and I open the tabs and let him help place them. I stand him up and have him give me a big hug as I pull up his pants. Then I hug him back, and nuzzle his neck, and swing him down from the changing table. “Come on, let's go wash our hands,” I'll say.

So, the main thing is, get them to the changing table fairly quickly, and then take it slow and make it into a time where you're connecting with each other. The diaper will get changed, but that's not what he will remember from it. If you're stuck in a rut of neither of you liking it, don't be discouraged if it takes some time for them to get over their negative associations. Just keep at it. Good luck!

Warmly,
Miss Faith

The Spirit of Giving

2010-12-09T08:03:00.001-07:00

The holiday time is a wonderful time to help children develop the spirit of giving. Instead of giving out all of your gifts at once, try giving a gift to one person each week for six weeks, so that each time is a significant experience. Giving away things that you and the children have made together, or choosing things that you already own to give away makes the experience feel much more meaningful. Here is an example of what you might do:

WEEK 1: Gift your neighbors. Bake banana bread (or whatever you love to bake), put a ribbon around it, and take it over to your neighbors. Even if you don't know your neighbors very well, they will probably appreciate a gift in the holiday spirit, and it may open doors to getting to know them! Make a card with your child: he can color it, and you write a message that the two of you come up with together. When you and your child notice their lights on, go over and give it to them together. Children love giving gifts, but they often get too shy with excitement to present them. Even children I've seen five days a week for two years sometimes have trouble presenting me with a gift. So be prepared to do the talking, but know that your child is participating through you.

WEEK 2: Gift your play-group teacher or favorite babysitter. Teachers get lots of gifts, so think carefully about what will be appreciated. I love baked gifts, but if your teacher is watching her waistline it may not be a good idea. One of the best gifts I've gotten from a family was a gift certificate to Whole Foods in a card that parent and child had made together. It seemed both thoughtful and practical.

WEEK 3: Gift children who won't get many gifts. Help your child choose some of his toys to give to children who won't get presents, and take them to a homeless shelter or an organization like Toys for Tots. This is actually a good thing to do once a month or every other month. The average American child gets about 70 new toys each year, but children who have fewer toys tend to be more creative and appreciate the ones they have, according to Pamela Paul, author of the book Parenting, Inc. Going through your toys regularly and giving away the ones that could be better used by another child can be a wonderful way to foster a spirit of giving in your children.

WEEK 4: Gift the grandparents. A lovely gift for grandparents is a photo of your child in a frame that you and your child decorate together. If you know your parents would hate a frame like that, then perhaps make special wrapping paper for it.

WEEK 5: Gift the elders. If you have elderly friends, make a special trip to visit them and give a gift. If you don't, consider going to a local nursing home. I suggest a small, homey assisted-living home so the setting isn't too overwhelming for your child. I used to take 3-4 children each week to visit the elders at Anam Chara, a waldorf-inspired assisted-living home that housed twelve elders. Both the children and the elders loved these visits.

WEEK 6: Gift dad. Dads love gifts that moms and kids make especially for him. If dad lives at home with you, you might take him somewhere special to present the gift: go to the ice-skating rink to present a pair of gloves, to the zoo to present a wooly hat. Make sure that he knows in advance that this is a special trip in his appreciation, and make him feel as special as possible. It's nice to get this sort of acknowledgment when it's least expected!

And of course, don't forget to make Thank You cards with your child for each person from whom he receives a gift. Help him decorate them and have him dictate a thank-you message that you write down. These are often hilarious and are always appreciated. If you can, have him give the thank you cards personally, instead of putting them in the mail. Teach them to say “Thank you for your gift” when they hand it out. Practice on the way over, but if they get too shy to say it themselves, ask “Would you like me to say it for you this time?” When you say something for a child, they often feel like they're saying it themselves, so don't worry if they still ask you to say it for them the fourth or fifth time. They will say it for themselves soon enough.

Book Review: The Family Virtues Guide

2010-12-06T16:59:00.002-07:00

Several years ago I was at a conference on early childhood. Between workshops, I was eating lunch with a friend and talking about the workshops we had attended. She had a son who was six years old, very intelligent, very intense, somewhat overwhelming. Interested in everything, he always wanted to be the center of attention, and often dominated conversations. She said, “My workshop leader said something really interesting. She works with a group call The Virtues Project, and she said that it sounds like my son has an excess of enthusiasm, which is a virtue. Instead of trying to dampen down his enthusiasm, I could work to strengthen other virtues that would balance him out. In this case, she suggested that I strengthen his sense of respectfulness.” Knowing her son as I did, I was absolutely astounded. Yes! That was exactly what was needed! What an incredible way of viewing the situation.

When I got home I had so much new information to assimilate that I never got around to looking up The Virtues Project. But that conversation stayed with me, and I often thought of it, especially when I was working with very intense children. Finally, I looked up The Virtues Project online, and ordered their book, The Family Virtues Guide: Simple Ways to Bring Out the Best in Our Children and Ourselves.

I was only moderately impressed with the book itself. It has great ideas but it seems poorly organized; it has so many sections and sub-sections within each chapter that it was sometimes hard for me to keep track of things, and I wished they gave more concrete examples. Also, it didn't address the issue of how to talk to children about virtues differently at different ages. The book goes through 52 virtues, with the idea that families might choose a virtue each week to work on and notice, then have a family meeting each week to talk about their experiences. This strategy seems much better for school-aged children, and is far too cerebral for kids under age 7, in my opinion. However, it could still be useful for parents to pick one virtue to notice each week, without talking it out with the kids. When we notice and appreciate virtues in our children or in others, it brings them out and enriches our lives.

All in all, there were more than enough take-away lessons that I felt the book was well worth reading. I love the idea of changing behaviors by calling up the virtue you see and then the virtue they would benefit from: patience, kindness, obedience, helpfulness. The book points out, “When a parent as educator puts a stop to negative behavior, he is being just as loving as when he applauds a child for effort.” (p.22-23).

I also got some food for thought from the book's examination of acknowledging children when you see them exhibiting virtues. First, they warn you to use 'moderation and wisdom' in dispensing praise: “Children are quite sensitive to the justice and honesty of your responses to them...Children themselves know when they have done well, when they truly merit recognition. That may be why some children get very upset in the face of undeserved or excessive praise. Undeserved praise is almost as troubling to their spirits as criticism.” (p.21).
Even more unexpected and --I thought-- insightful, they go on to say, “Please do not overdo the use of 'Thank you' such as 'Thank you for being peaceful.' The object is not to lessen the noise level for your comfort alone; it is for the child to learn the lesson of peacefulness. Overdoing thanks places you at the center of their conscience instead of the their conscience at the center of themselves.” (p.22). I will certainly keep that in mind.

I feel like I already did my best to acknowledge and bring out virtues in the children I care for, but in a somewhat unconsious way. This book is lovely because it gives us a framework to do it in. Do visit their website, http://www.virtuesproject.com/index.php. If I see a workshop of theirs in my neighborhood, I will definitely sign up.

Warmly,
Faith

Arts & Crafts with Toddlers

2010-12-02T02:35:00.002-07:00

This post is for you, Aralyn, and for anyone else who cares for groups of toddlers. Much of it can also be used by moms at home with their kids.

One thing I've noticed working in childcare is that parents love having craft projects that get sent home. I think that it gives them a way to visualize what their children were doing during the day, and it also can form a bridge between home and 'school.' So they have their value. However, arts & crafts projects can be a real challenge with toddlers, who have limited impulse control, limited ability to follow directions, and limited understanding of what you do or don't want on your chairs, floors and walls. Many projects end up with the teachers doing 90% of the work, and the children doing lots of waiting for the teacher's help.

What crafts can be done successfully with toddlers, and in such a way that both the children and caregivers really enjoy it?

1. Coloring is an easy craft to do. Make big coloring mats out of cotton-backed vinyl (available at most fabric stores) or even just taking a quarter-inch stack of single-page newspapers and putting a strong border of masking tape or duct tape around the edges. Use big, sturdy crayons (I like the Stockmar stick crayons best; you can find them at Three Sisters Toys ). I keep the crayons in a bowl and allow each child to pick two crayons to use. If they want to switch colors, they must put one of their crayons back in the bowl to pick another. When children are done coloring, they put both crayons back in the bowl, and put their picture in their cubby, and they are free to play.

2. Baking is a project that children of all ages love. We bake all the time at Rainbow Bridge, but we usually eat what we bake. One day I realized it could be turned into a craft project by having each child form his dough into a shape, and decorate it with raisins. I remembered which was whose, and we sent them home at the end of the day. The kids were excited to show their parents, and parents were pleased to receive them. The trick to baking successfully with toddlers is to be very organized. Assemble all of the ingredients you'll need before you start. The initial mixing parts are all about waiting and turn-taking, so I always go around the table in a circle so the children know when their turn will come. Let each child hold the measuring cup and pour in one ingredient. When you're done, each child can take a turn mixing. Sing a short song (I use All Around the Mulberry Bush), and when the song is over, the child passes the bowl and spoon to the child next to her. After the dough has risen comes the fun part, kneading. Everyone can knead at the same time, and I knead too. You have to make your own rules about whether they are allowed to take nibbles or not, and how many. After the kneading is done, bring out the raisins to decorate, and put them on a cookie sheet. These projects bake quickly, usually 15 minutes or so.

3. Watercolor painting can be done with toddlers, but it's very difficult if you're on your own with six kids, as it needs constant supervision. If you want to do this, invite a parent volunteer to come in and help.

4. Seasonal Crafts: There are always crafts to do with the seasons.

1. For fall, put leaves under paper and color over top with block crayons or the side of a stick crayon. You can also iron leaves between sheets of wax paper (a challenge if you're by yourself with the kids), and decorate the edges with paintings or colored paper. Make apple crisp, or pumpkin pie from a pumpkin, and save pieces for each parent. You can also make apple-gnomes, putting a little felt hat onto an apple and carving eyes and a mouth. As it dries out and withers, the gnome's face gets more and more wrinkled and cool looking. Here's an example: http://www.appledolls.org/page2.html

2. For Winter, have kids color with blue and purple, then cut the drawing into a snowflake for the child to take home. Make pomander oranges to send home. This is a one-on-one project to do with each child: attach a ribbon to the orange (you can use pins to make it stay), and then you poke a hole in the orange with a toothpick or a darning needle, and the child puts a clove into the hole. You don't have to cover the whole orange, you can make designs with the cloves: http://www.aromatherapy-at-home.com/. Also, making snowmen with the children and dressing them in scarves and hats, with gloves on the ends of their stick arms, is fun. Parents can't take it home, but it can be showed off and parents can imagine their child making it.

3. For Spring, of course plant things! Plant crocus and hyacinth bulbs in pots and grow them indoors. I've done very successful Mother's Day gifts where the children decorated small pots, and we planted marigolds in them together. Both the decorating and the planting were done outside. We also make an Easter Egg tree with blown eggs: take a branch from a flowering tree and put it in a vase weighted down with pebbles (the kids can help with the pebbles). Depending on what climate you live in, it can be great to start with a bare branch, then watch the leaves come out, then the flowers. One by one, you can blow eggs and decorate them with the kids, either with paint and a paint-brush, or with scraps of different colored tissue paper. Just dab a drop of water onto the egg, and a child can put a scrap piece of tissue paper onto the water. Put 3-4 layers of tissue paper over the whole egg. We hang each egg on the 'tree,' then the day before spring break each child got to take one home. Also, growing wheat grass is easy and fun. Get baskets from a thrift store, line them with plastic (sturdy plastic wrap, or those plastic holders you put under flower pots), and put your wheat grass inside. You can use dirt or just the wheat berries by themselves; soak them overnight and don't let them dry out. Each child can take a basket home before Spring Break.

4. For Summer, wet felting can be a very fun outdoor activity: http://www.ourbigearth.com/. We made balls and then attached 'comet-tails' of ribbons to them, and called them meteor balls (in Colorado August sees many meteor showers). We didn't send them home as craft projects, but you certainly could.

Hope that gets your creative juices flowing! The first key to doing crafts with toddlers (especially if you're alone), is to think the process through and do as much work up-front as you can, gathering all of the materials you'll need, etc. The second key is, just do one step at a time, and keep it containable. By this I mean that you may be called away from the project at any moment if a child across the room is having problems, so you need to be able to pick things up and put them on the counter if it's something kids can't touch without supervision. And third, don't rush, just relax and have fun. After all, if nobody's enjoying it, what's the point?

Warmly,
Faith

Making Your Own Rituals

2010-11-28T16:11:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that the children in your life love having things done exactly the same way every time. There is a good reason for this: when we do things the same way each time, it lets children develop competence. They are able to anticipate what will happen next, they know exactly how things go, and eventually they will be able to do it themselves. Children get a great deal of satisfaction in having things done the same way each time. As adults, this can sometimes drive us crazy, either because we're in a rush, or simply because we get bored of doing the same things over and over again. However, there is a way to do things the same way each time that feels fulfilling to both child and adult: to take our routines and transform them into rituals.

What is ritual? There are six definitions in my dictionary. One is, “Any practice or pattern of behavior regularly performed in a set manner.” If we use this definition, we engage in many, many rituals each day, whether we think of them that way or not. However, the term ritual often has connotations of ceremony, sometimes in connection with religious or spiritual practice. The set of actions is imbued with emotion or meaning. Think about the rituals that you remember as a child. Many people have fond memories of holiday rituals. Whether you are religious or not, holiday rituals often hold a special place because adults do their best to imbue them with specialness, with love and beauty.

When we take our day-to-day routines and imbue them with love and beauty, we transform the experience, and with it we transform our children's experience of the world. An easy place to start is eating and sleeping. How can you add some love and beauty into these routines? It can be simple, such as saying a grace or lighting a candle before a meal, or saying a certain nursery rhyme as you wipe their faces after meals. As you start to get inspired, your rituals can become more complex. For example, if you like to keep fresh-cut flowers in your dining room (which I highly recommend!), then you might have a little bud vase that stays by your child's bed. The bedtime routine could start with the child choosing one flower from the dining room arrangement, and taking it upstairs to put in his bud vase. He brushes teeth with you and gets pajamas on, then climbs into bed and you bring the vase over for him admire and smell the flower one last time before turning out the lights, and you sing softly while he falls asleep. Later, before you go to bed yourself, take the bud vase downstairs and set up a breakfast spot for your child: beautiful place-mat, bowl, cup, bib, and the bud vase with the flower, to wait for your child's awakening. After your child has eaten breakfast, you or he can put the flower back in the dining room flower arrangement, and you put the bud vase by his bed again, to wait for evening.

Incorporating these little pieces of beauty into your day can change things from being ho-hum to being a bit magical. My only word of warning is not to add too much too fast, and not to add so much that you get bogged down going through all of the steps every day. Remember, simpler is often better (notice that there was no story-reading in the bedtime ritual described above; the flower took its place). Try adding one thing at a time, and let everyone get used to it before you add the next piece. So you might start adding beauty to your meals first by getting fresh flowers for the table or sideboard. Then by getting nice place-mats. Then a candle to light at the meal. Thinking about how to add beauty and love to each portion of your day can help keep you inspired in your parenting and home-making.

You can also have rituals which only happen periodically. I knew one lovely woman who would pick up her young grandson from kindergarten every Friday and they would take the city bus to the library, choose one book, and bring it home. That one book would be read every time she saw him (she was a secondary caregiver) until the next Friday. To me, taking the city bus with a five-year-old sounds like torture, but she explained how taking the bus was an integral part of their experience together, and they both looked forward to it all week. So it's not so much WHAT you do, it's HOW you do it, and the life you breathe into it. Other periodic rituals can happen inside the home, such as baking bread or making cornmeal muffins on the same day each week, or having certain toys that only come out on rainy days, or singing the same song each time you go to a certain place (My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean each time you go to the lake, or Over the River and Through the Woods each time you go to Grandma's house, etc.). Giving these activities the regularity and the same-ness that you might not otherwise consider doing can turn them into rituals, and may be the ones that your children remember fondly when they have grown up.